iWill Survive
by StoryTeller125
Summary: Tragedy strikes causing everyone to have to cope with their grief and sorrow. Some people can handle it better than others. Who will survive? This is rated T for frank discussion of character suicide. Please advise if you think it should be an M.
1. I'm Sorry We Had To Tell You That

Spencer Shay awoke with a startle in an unfamiliar place. After the fog of his slumber receded a bit he was able to remember where he was: the couch in Socko's living room. They had celebrated Socko's birthday last night and the drinking had gotten a little out of hand. Spencer normally wouldn't have stayed out all night drinking, but Carly was gone on a school trip to Olympia for a few days and he felt entitled to one night of irresponsible young-adult behavior. Though he was sure he would later regret the hangover that was sure to come.

His cell phone rang again and he realized what had woken him up in the first place. Picking up the phone he saw the call was coming from the Benson's apartment across the hall from his own.

"Hello" Spencer finally said his voice still a bit heavy with sleep.

"Hi, is this Spencer Shay?" an unfamiliar female voice asked. When Spencer replied in the affirmative the woman spoke again. "You don't know me, my name is Holly Benson and I am Marissa Benson's sister. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"That's ok," Spencer looked around the room and saw that it was 11:45, "I should be up anyway. How can I help you?"

"Can you come over to my sister's? Something happened and I think I need to talk to you in person."

Spencer was suddenly very alert, no trace sleepiness left. "Sure, but I'm not at home right now. I can be there in about 30 minutes. Is everything ok?"

"Please come as soon as you can."

Spencer bolted up from the couch as soon as the call ended. He had fallen asleep in his clothes but he had no idea where his shoes wound up. After five minutes of searching he found them in the kitchen and once they were on went to make sure Socko was still alive. Approaching his bedroom door, he could hear him snoring loudly all the way from the hallway. Satisfied that he wasn't in need of any immediate medical attention he left quietly through the front door and headed back to Bushwell Plaza on his motorcycle, thoughts of what could have happened running through his head.

Did something happen to Mrs. Benson? Did Freddie ask his aunt to call him? He knew Mrs. Benson was working overnights at the hospital and was working a lot of double shifts as well; all in an attempt to save money for a class trip to Europe next July that Freddie wanted to attend. That kind of workload can stress anyone, especially Mrs. Benson, Spencer thought. She always seemed slightly stressed under normal circumstances.

Arriving at Bushwell, Spencer debated whether or not to change his clothes first. He had made good time from Socko's and decided to quickly change his clothes before going over to the Benson's. A quick application of deodorant, a fresh t-shirt and reasonably clean jeans, Spencer found himself knocking on the door to 8-D.

A woman he didn't recognize opened the door. She was tall like Mrs. Benson with the same brown hair, but instead of brown eyes, hers were hazel. She appeared older than she sounded on the phone; she was in her late 30's he guessed. Realizing this must be Holly he said, "I'm Spencer, I think we spoke earlier".

"Please come in," Holly was on the verge of tears. "Marissa's asleep in her bedroom."

Leading Spencer into the living room, Holly introduced him to another man he vaguely recognized on the couch. "This is Dr. Matthews; he lives here in the building. He is a friend of Marissa's from the hospital."

That must be whey he seemed to recognize him, they must have crossed paths here in the building. "Nice to meet you," Spencer said holding out his hand. After shaking hands Spencer sat down on the couch opposite Dr. Matthews while Holly took a seat in one of the armchairs. "So what happened, where's Freddie?"

Holly couldn't hold back her tears any more and it was Dr. Matthews who spoke. "Spencer, I'm very sorry that we have to formally meet under these circumstances, but Freddie's not here. He died sometime early this morning or late last night."

Spencer was utterly shocked, he just couldn't conceive of Freddie being dead. He had spoken to him just the other day when he came over to take care of some technical stuff for iCarly. It felt like all the breath was being sucked out of his body, but he still managed to ask how.

Dr. Matthews seemed slightly uncomfortable, but he answered calmly and matter-of-factly, "he killed himself by cutting his wrists open in the bathtub. Marissa found him this morning. She called 911 but it was too late, there was nothing they could do at the hospital. Someone there knew we were friends and called me. I am a psychiatrist on staff there; Marissa was near hysterical when I brought her home. She asked me to call her sister and then I gave her a very strong sedative."

Holly finally spoke, choking back sobs. "We found four envelopes on the desk in his bedroom. One was for Marissa; the other three were addressed to you, a Carly and a Sam. Do you know them?"

"Carly is my sister and Sam is her and Freddie's best friend." Spencer was in a daze. Freddie had killed himself. "Why?" Spencer didn't realize he had asked that last question out loud.

Holly looked to Dr. Matthews; he was the one who finally spoke. "Freddie had been suffering from clinical depression. He was first diagnosed formally around 18 months ago. Initially his treatment consisted of weekly therapy sessions which worked very well. However about 6 months ago he began to have more frequent and more severe depressive episodes. His doctor put him on a medication for the first time. Unfortunately, this medication either didn't handle suicidal thoughts he might have already been having, or caused them in the first place."

Spencer was having difficulty processing all of this. "I never knew any of this, how come nobody told me? Did Carly know?"

"I don't know if he ever told Carly," Dr. Matthews replied, "but I seriously doubt it. Marissa and I spoke quite often about Freddie's condition. Apparently Freddie was quite ashamed to be suffering from clinical depression in the first place and made Marissa swear that she would tell nobody. I was the only person she broke that promise with. Not even his other family members knew." Dr. Matthews nodded in Holly's direction. "Did you know what happened to Freddie's father?" When Spencer shook his head no Dr. Matthews continued, "He committed suicide when Freddie was two years old. He shot himself in the head in the living room while Freddie was in a pack-and-play in the corner. Even though Freddie was only two, Marissa was always worried it would scar him. It's one reason she was so overprotective."

"Is she going to be ok? Is there anything I can do to help?" Spencer suddenly realized just how hard this would have to be on Mrs. Benson.

Holly spoke up first, "I wish I knew if she was going to be ok. More family is coming into Seattle now; I am her only local family. I think you're going to have your hands full with your sister and their friend Sam, though."

"Spencer, I want you take this. It's my card; on the back I have written my home and cell numbers as well. Besides being a psychiatrist I do quite a bit of grief counseling. Please call me anytime day or night if you feel the need to talk, or Carly feels the need to talk as well. I live on the tenth floor and can be here in a matter of minutes. Would you like me to be there when you tell Carly?"

"She's not here now; she won't be back until tomorrow, Sunday. She was in love with Freddie, how can I tell her this?" Spencer was trying not to cry, the tears were just barely being held in check. "This is going to devastate her. How do I tell her?"

Dr. Matthews squared up to Spencer and put his hands on Spencer's shoulders. Just tell her in a very calm and straightforward manner. And then be there for her. Let her cry, let her do what she needs to do, and comfort her as much as possible. If she cares about Freddie as much as you said, then she is going to have a long grieving process ahead of her. You have my card; please call me if you want me to be there. I cared about Freddie and I care about Marissa very much and I want to help. Promise me you'll call me if you need help."

Spencer nodded his head. "I will. Thanks for the offer. I'll probably be calling you."

"And I'll probably call you too just to see how you and Carly are doing."

Spencer got up from the couch and Holly showed him to the door, handing him the trio of envelopes. "Spencer, I have to warn you. I read the note Freddie left for Marissa, it was very hard to take. I don't have a clue what he wrote to you, but I just want to let you know it might be difficult to take. Just remember, Freddie was sick and I think it's the illness talking through these notes, not Freddie himself."

Even though Spencer had never met this woman before, she was in obvious pain, and Spencer did what came natural to him. He took her into an embrace; she buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed. After a few minutes she stopped and pulled back from him. "Thanks, I think I really needed that."

"It's no problem at all. If you need me I'll be right across the hallway. Please let me know if there is anything, anything at all, I can do for you and Mrs. Benson. I'll probably come by later today just to check up on things. Ok?"

"Thanks. We would really appreciate that." Spencer crossed the hallway to his own apartment door and was about to enter when Holly called out to him.

"Spencer, I'm really sorry we had to tell you that".


	2. I Tell Sam

Spencer sat down on the couch, suddenly far more tired than he was when he first woke up. He picked up the envelope addressed to him and studied it, almost afraid of what he would find inside. He contemplated just destroying it, along with the other two, but decided against it. For better or worse, no matter what the illness did to Freddie's state of mind, these were his last attempts to communicate with his three closest friends. How owed it to Freddie to read what he wrote.

Spencer opened the envelope with unsteady hands:

_Dear Spencer,_

_ If you are reading this note then hopefully I finally did it and am now dead. I know you may be asking yourself why I did it and why I didn't come to you, or my Mother, or Carly or even Sam for help. The truth is I really just didn't want to live anymore. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's true. You can't understand the constant pain and anxiety I have been living with for so long. Do you know what it's like to live every day knowing you're a failure, a loser, someone who makes the lives of those he cares about worse? Do you know what it's like to go to bed every night praying that you die in your sleep? Or to wake up sobbing because you know your day is going to be constant pain from start to finish? I tried to make myself better, I tried to be a good friend and not be such a burden on those around me, but ultimately I knew I was doomed to failure. Don't get me wrong, I was able to come close and I had stretches where I felt better, but it would never have lasted. I'm sorry if I've caused you any grief today, please don't put yourself out on my account. I'm not worth it now and I never was in the past either. The fact is I'm not a good person and the world is better off with me gone. Good luck with your life, Spencer, I know you will go on to create some incredible works of art._

_ Freddie_

_P.S. Please tell Carly and Sam they are welcome to keep all of the technical equipment that was used on iCarly. I'm pretty sure I won't need it wherever I am now._

Spencer dropped the note on the coffee table, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," Spencer thought to himself, "but you are worth it, Freddie." Holly was right; this was not the real Freddie. This was someone very sick; the handwriting was definitely Freddie's, but the words and the thoughts were certainly someone else's. Someone very sick who didn't know what they were saying. Almost like Freddie's mind was possessed by his depression and it was his depression communicating directly in this note.

Again Spencer considered what was going to happen with Carly. She had developed strong feelings for Freddie, not influenced strictly by what he did when he saved her life from that taco truck. It was clear that she really did love him for himself, not just for what he did. True, she did not come right out and tell Spencer this, but he could still tell nonetheless. He overheard snippets of conversation between her and Sam. He noticed her talking about Freddie more around the loft and with Dad and Grandpa Shay on the phone. He noticed that she was much more attentive towards her appearance when Freddie was coming over now. Whereas once she would have worn sweats and a t-shirt and not bothered with makeup, now she made a point to dress in more fashionable clothes that she knew would appeal to Freddie. She even took to always having at least some makeup on and her hair done just in case Freddie came by unexpectedly.

This news was going to devastate her. Spencer knew this and the saddest thing to him was that he couldn't think of any way around it. He contemplated calling her now and telling her what had happened, but he quickly dismissed that idea. Holly was right; this was not something you told over the phone. He thought about driving to Olympia and getting her right then, but thought better of it. He had no idea where the class was now and Olympia was not that small of a city. Besides, maybe Carly deserved one more night of, what, happiness? One more night of a world where she was sure she would have a long future with Freddie? Ultimately Spencer decided to wait until she got home from the trip to tell her. He decided she deserved one more night of being a teenager before she would have to grow up awfully fast in the next few days.

Looking at the two remaining envelopes on the table, another thought occurred to Spencer: Sam. She would need to be told what happened. He knew she was not on the trip with Carly; in fact he had told her she was welcome to hang out at the loft over the weekend if she didn't feel like staying at home. He really had no excuses for not telling Sam now if she was willing to come over. He got his cell phone and selected the number for Sam's cell phone.

Sam picked up on the second ring, "Hey Spencer, what's going on?"

Spencer tried to keep his voice steady as best he could, "Are you busy now? Can you come over to the loft?"

"You know that big history paper me and Carly have due on the Civil War? I am desperately trying to think of a reason not to start it. So it shouldn't be a problem. My mother has a date tonight and would like me to be scarce anyway."

"How soon can you be here?" Spencer didn't want to sound too anxious, but some spilled through anyway.

"30 minutes, give or take. Is everything ok? Is there another little girl running around the loft and you need help getting rid of her?" She tried to inject a little levity; Spencer seemed a little uptight about something.

"Just please get here as fast as you can. Thanks."

Spencer hung up the phone before Sam could get another word in. She was suddenly worried. He did not sound like his usual carefree self and she got the impression he didn't want to talk on the phone. While Sam was generally indifferent to traditional school work, she was not stupid by any means. She could tell she needed to get to the Shay loft as fast as she could. She changed into a pair of cargo shorts, a penny tee, hoodie and high-top sneakers.

"Mom, there is something wrong over at Carly's. I have to go now; I'll probably spend the night there. Ok?" Sam yelled in the general direction of her mother's bedroom.

"Alright, call or text me sometime tomorrow, I have a date with Gary tonight and don't want to be disturbed."

Sam was already heading out the door as fast as she could, she didn't hear anything after her mother said alright.

Sam made good time and was at the Shay loft in 20 minutes. Finding the door unlocked she went right in. It was practically her second home and she felt no qualms about not knocking. She found Spencer sitting on the couch staring off into space. She was surprised to see a bottle of liquor on the coffee table in front of him. She had never known him to drink anything stronger than beer and she had never seen him drink during the day. She found herself very worried.

"Spencer, is everything ok? Did something happen to Carly?"

Spencer looked at Sam slowly, his eyes very tired. "No, Carly is fine. It's Freddie. Something happened to Freddie."

Sam sat down next to Spencer on the couch. "Wha..What happened to Freddie?"

Spencer took Sam's hands in his own. He noticed how small they seemed in his own. He didn't know why he thought of this all the sudden, he put the thought out of his head and did what he had to do. "Freddie died early this morning. He. he killed himself." Spencer could barely get the words out.

Sam was the type of person who was not easily shocked. In fact she prided herself on being able to take any sort of news in stride. But she was not prepared for this at all. How could Freddie kill himself? Maybe it was an accident of some sort? "How" she managed to ask weakly.

"He cut his wrists open in the bathtub. His mother found him this morning and he was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late."

Don't cry, Puckett's don't cry, Sam started telling herself. She was finding it difficult to hold back tears, though. "Why? Why would he do this?"

"According to his aunt and a close friend of Mrs. Benson's Freddie was suffering from clinical depression. He was adamant about nobody knowing besides his mother. He never told any of us about it; I don't know why. Maybe out of shame, maybe fear? Anyway, he started treatment around a year and a half ago with therapy and it started well, but around 6 months ago things got worse. His doctor put him on medication, but, well it didn't work. Did you notice any changes in Freddie lately?"

Sam thought for a moment while trying to keep from crying in front of Spencer. "He'd been quiet lately. He hadn't been spending as much time with us outside of iCarly as he used to. He told us he wasn't feeling well and that he had to spend more time studying with his new classes this year."

"Did Freddie ever talk about dying, or killing himself?"

"No, never that I knew of. If I thought he was capable of doing this to himself…" Sam's voice trailed off. She couldn't hold back the tears any more and they poured out of her like water bursting through a dam. "If I thought he might have wanted to do this I would have done anything to stop him. Please believe me Spencer, I would have."

Spencer had never seen Sam this sad. In fact, he thought, this might be the first time he had ever seen her cry. He took her into his arms, hugging her tightly. She had never seemed so tiny and vulnerable than now. To him she had always seemed a larger than life figure, the type of person who couldn't be hurt.

"Spencer, do you think Freddie did this because…" she sobbed more, clearly having difficulty getting the words out. "Do you think he did this because of me? You know I never meant to hurt him. That I considered him one of my best friends in the world. That I would never want him to do this. Please believe me, Spencer, please."

Spencer pushed Sam away from him. "Sam, look at me. Look at me in the eyes." Sam complied, wiping tears away with her hands. "I want you to listen to me very carefully. Freddie was very sick. Much sicker than any of us could have imagined. Nothing you did caused him to do this to himself. He did this because his depression tricked his mind into thinking he wanted to do it. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. NONE OF US ARE."

Spencer felt better when he saw her start to nod slightly. He remembered the note Freddie had left for her. "Sam, Freddie left you something, a note. He left one for me as well and Carly. Do you want to read it? I don't know what it says; mine was pretty brutal. Freddie's aunt warned me that might be the case. She said it was the depression, the sickness, talking instead of Freddie. I have to agree. If you don't want to read it I'll understand."

Sam thought about it, but if that was the last thing Freddie said to her she had to know what it was. No matter how sad, no matter what, she had to know. "Let me have it." Spencer handed her the envelope and with some trepidation she unsealed it:

_Dear Sam,_

_ If you are reading this then you know what I've done. I don't want you to feel bad. You might be thinking that your teasing and bullying of me made me kill myself. That's not true; I killed myself because the pain just became too much to bear. The pain of knowing you're not worthy, that you are a disappointment to everyone around you, that nobody likes you and will never love you; this kind of pain can only be lived with for so long. I know you never meant to hurt me with your words, I know you didn't mean them, but you did speak the truth; even if you didn't think what you said was true. Please don't be sad, please don't' cry, I'm not worth the effort. Remember, the world is a better place with me gone. My mother will be happier, Spencer will be happier, Carly will be happier and so will you. Have a wonderful life Sam, I know that you are much smarter than people give you credit for and that you will succeed in whatever you decide to do._

_ Freddie_

Sam's voice was flat and almost completely devoid of emotion. "This isn't Freddie, at least not the Freddie that we know. I don't know why he would say this but you're right, it 's not really him speaking." This knowledge actually allowed Sam to calm down and gain a measure of control over herself. "You know the biggest problem we have, don't you?" Spencer knew and nodded in return. "Carly is completely in love with Freddie now. In fact she plans on confessing her true love for him sometime tomorrow after she gets back. She called me last night and told me she found the perfect gift for him and had it engraved. I'm not kidding when I say this; this news might kill her. I don't know what to do."

Spencer agreed. "I don't think there's any easy way around this. No matter what we do Carly is going to be devastated. I think we'll just have to tell her quickly and try and be ready for whatever comes next. I think we're in for a very long night."

**Author's note:**

** I know Carly is listed as the main character and she hasn't been heard from yet, but that changes with the next chapter (which should be up in the next day or so) when she returns home from that class trip. From that point on most of the story will deal mostly with Carly. **


	3. We Tell Carly

Carly Shay could not think of a time in her life where she ever felt better than she did right at that point. She was a month into her junior year of high school; her classes were all going well, she was elected to the student council (Sam laughed when Carly told her when she decided to run, and pointedly asked her if she was turning to the "dork" side in some attempt to impress Freddie. Leave it to Sam to be able to, within the span of once sentence, chide Carly, insult Freddie and put down an entire movie fan base!), iCarly was still popular and she was getting along great with Spencer. Everything was going great; there was just one thing missing, though: the perfect boyfriend.

Carly smiled to herself on the bus back from Olympia. She was going to take care of the last part that very night. She had thought long and hard about Freddie since the taco truck "incident" as Sam usually called it. Freddie had told her they shouldn't date until she could see if she was over the whole "hero" thing. Carly had been shocked at the time, but had given a lot of consideration to her feelings in the months since then. She came to a final conclusion after Freddie had spent a long weekend earlier in October at a family wedding. She had missed him so much, she actually found herself counting down the time till he came back. When Spencer caught her looking out the peephole of their apartment door waiting for Freddie to get back home, she knew she couldn't doubt it any longer; she was in love with Fredward Benson.

She was fortunate it was Spencer who caught her doing that and not Sam. Spencer only made a sly comment about the shoe being on the other foot while Sam probably would have died on the spot of a lethal combination of uncontrollable laughter and shock.

Carly closed her eyes and thought about how she wanted things to go later that night. She envisioned asking Freddie to meet her on the roof of the building after dark, so the stars would be visible above them. She would pull him close to her, look deep into his eyes (those eyes she absolutely adored more than anything else in the world at that point) and tell him that she, Carly Shay, was in love with Freddie Benson without any doubt whatsoever. That she loved him not because of the one time he pushed her out of the way of the taco truck, but because of the hundreds of times he made her life better. All the times he listened to her problems, her fears, her desires even if they sometimes broke his heart.

She would take the chain she bought for him in Olympia, show him the engraving (Freddie, I love you so much, Carly) fasten it around his neck and then give him the deepest, most passionate, most soulful kiss she could possibly imagine. Her thoughts lingered on that kiss; how wonderful it would feel, what it would mean for hers and Freddie's future together. Her reverie was broken only when Wendy, sitting next to her on the bus, started shaking her shoulder.

"Hello, Carly, are you still there? We're almost back to Ridgeway. Do you need a ride home?"

"Uh, sure, yeah thanks. I didn't realize so much time had passed. I guess maybe I fell asleep."

"Yeah, for the past hour you've had your head against the window with the same silly grin on your face. So, who were you dreaming about? Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner? Or was it that dream where they were fighting over you? God I love that dream." Wendy's face grew wistful.

"No, Wendy, I wasn't dreaming about either of them. I was dreaming about someone even better." It was Carly's turn to get a little wistful.

"Want to clue me in? I'd love to know the guy who can knock those two down Carly Shay's list of the greatest men on planet Earth to dream about."

"Not yet. Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough." Carly really wanted to tell Wendy, but unfortunately she was an incurable gossip and had some supernatural ability to spread news like that in absolutely no time at all. She didn't want to chance her news getting to Freddie first. Wendy would find out tomorrow when, hopefully, Carly and Freddie would be walking hand-in-hand through the halls of Ridgeway proudly proclaiming their love for one another.

* * *

Carly approached the door to her apartment, 8-C. She had thought about seeing Freddie first, she missed him that much, but she decided to wait. She had just had a long bus ride and didn't feel like she was looking her best. The next time Freddie saw her she wanted to be perfect. She was going to wear something she picked up in Olympia that she knew Freddie would love on her (a little revealing but not "slutty". She knew Freddie didn't really appreciate that; just another reason to love him). She was going to make sure her hair (which was currently in a pony-tail) was styled just the way Freddie liked (down over her shoulders) and that her makeup was flawless.

All of this was going through her mind when she turned the knob on the door, not surprised that it was unlocked. She was greeted by the sight of Spencer and Sam sitting on either end of the couch. The TV was on, but they appeared to be just staring off into space. "If it isn't two of my favorite people in the world, my BFF and BBBF." Carly couldn't keep the giddiness out of her voice. They both jumped at the sound of it and turned towards her standing in the doorway, not saying anything.

"Don't you get it? BFF – Best Friend Forever; BBBF – Best Big Brother Forever? C'mon, give me some credit; I thought it was pretty clever." Carly left her suitcase by the door and made her way over to the couch. "You two have got to do something about your moods. It's a beautiful day, cheer up." She took the space between the two of them. She gave Spencer a quick hug and tried to do the same with Sam but stopped when she noticed a tear running down Sam's cheek.

"Carly," Spencer began, "we have to talk about something important."

Carly looked closely at Spencer for the first time. She noticed that his eyes were red, his skin looked especially pale and he seemed to have a cloud of sadness hovering right over him. The smile left Carly's face. "Did something happen? Is Dad ok?"

"Dad is fine Carly. It's about Freddie." Spencer started to cry a little bit, he promised himself he wouldn't, that he would stay strong for Carly now, but he couldn't help it. "Carly, I hate this, I would rather do anything else in the world right now, but I have to tell you."

Oh my god, Carly thought to herself, Freddie is dating somebody else. He's moved on from her.

Spencer took both of Carly's hands into his own, like he did with Sam yesterday. He looked her square in the eyes, which were now beginning to water just slightly, and in a calm even voice told her, "Freddie died on Friday night. He took his own life." Since first hearing about Freddie's death Spencer had spent a lot of time wondering about how Carly would react at this news. He envisioned maybe a dozen different reactions of various levels of intensity. What happened next, however, never occurred to him at all.

"Spencer, this is not funny at all. What kind of a joke is this?" She took her hands from Spencer's and turned to Sam on the couch. "Did you put him up to this? Is this your idea? I'm telling you, it is really not funny at all." Carly got up and moved towards the kitchen.

Spencer never thought that Carly might not believe him. He got over his momentary shock and got up to follow Carly into the kitchen. "Carly, it's no joke. I wish it were, I really do, then Freddie would be here and you could just be mad at us. But it's no joke; Freddie died."

Carly's eyes were furious now. She was clearly mad; normally Spencer stayed out of her way when she had that look in her eyes, she could have a pretty nasty temper when she was upset about something, but he held his ground. "I can't believe you are going to this much trouble for such a sick, twisted joke. Are you really enjoying this? I can't believe it. I am going over to Freddie's now. I can't stand looking at you."

Spencer panicked. A hysterical Carly barging into the Benson's apartment across the hall would not be good for Mrs. Benson's state of mind. He went over last night for a bit and she was still pretty out of it. She was awake, at least, but could barely talk or interact. Holly told him she was spending her time switching between different moods. One minute she was lucid and understanding that Freddie was sick, the other she was blaming herself saying it was all her fault. Spencer tried to comfort her as best he could; when he got up to leave Mrs. Benson gave him a strong hug and thanked him for being such a good brother for Freddie. He cried for two hours on the living room couch once he got back home. Sam was upstairs in the studio; thankfully, looking at pictures of Freddie Carly had accumulated over the years.

He couldn't let Carly go over there. Not knowing what else to do, He physically grabbed her and pushed her further back into the kitchen towards the fridge.

"Spencer, what the hell are you doing? Let me go right now." Carly screamed struggling against him. "I have to go see Freddie."

"Carly, I am so sorry, but Freddie is dead. Can you understand? Freddie died two nights ago." Spencer was almost pleading now.

"WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?" Carly was on the verge of screaming.

Up until that point Sam had been in a stupor still on the couch. She was stunned; Carly didn't believe them and apparently wouldn't accept what had happened. She didn't know what to do, didn't know how to convince her of the truth, when she saw the note Freddie had left for Carly on the table. She snatched it up and ran into the kitchen.

"Carly, you have to read this now. Freddie left it for you; he left notes for each of us as well. Please read it." Sam was pleading, a tone of voice that was rarely heard coming from her mouth.

Carly was suitably impressed; she stopped struggling against Spencer and took the note. The rage was still in her eyes, but she had calmed down considerably. She opened the envelope and took out the note.

_My Dearest Carly,_

_This is the fourth note I have written tonight and the most difficult. I wrote in the other notes that I really did want to die. That is the truth, but if there were any reason to doubt that, it was you. I have loved you for so long, so intently; you were the only reason I didn't do this sooner. Almost all of my time was spent in constant anguish, pain and anxiety. The only respite from that was when we were alone together. After the incident with the taco truck, when we were together for those five days, those were the five happiest days of my time on this planet. Unfortunately, they couldn't last. When we stopped the relationship, after our final kiss, remember when I asked "what did I do?" What I did was save you from me. We could have kept dating, but you would have eventually seen the real me. You would have seen the person who was unlovable, incapable of surviving on his own, someone not worthy of your love and affection. In short, you would have seen what a worthless loser I was and I would have just dragged you down with me. Believe me, this is the best thing for everyone. You won't have to worry about having a pathetic stalker-boy across the hall from you. You won't have to worry about me and Sam fighting all the time making you uncomfortable. It really is for the best. _

_It's time for me to go now. I hope your life is filled with happiness and joy at all times. You are the greatest person in the world and deserve everything. You certainly deserve far better than me. If I have one request, though, it is this: Please don't think too harshly of me if you think about me. I love you so much._

_Freddie_

As Carly started reading the note, she hoped to god that it wasn't really from him. The handwriting was clearly his however and the part where he quotes "what did I do?" she was the only person who heard him say that. In truth she knew that Spencer and Sam weren't playing some cruel joke on her, but her mind had kept up the pretense as a simple defense mechanism. Like a levee with water pouring over the top, this last line of defense crumbled away. Her color started turning red, her hands began to shake, tears started streaming down her cheeks and finally her legs gave way. She leaned with her back to the fridge and slowly slid down has her legs no longer had the strength to hold her.

Carly started sobbing uncontrollably. "Freddie, Freddie, please Freddie," she kept sobbing, barely getting the words out. Spencer started to kneel down to comfort her when Carly unleashed the loudest, most intense scream anybody could ever imagine. It was as if her heart was literally breaking in two right then and the pain absolutely unbearable. "AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH. FREDDDDIEEEEE NO FREDDDIEEEEE PLEASE FREDDDIEEEE." Spencer and Sam were both momentarily taken aback. They couldn't imagine anyone screaming so loud and so painfully.

Carly stopped howling after a minute but her sobs continued. It was as if her body could no longer contain all of her grief. She started hitting the floor and fridge with her hands; her body began to tremble and shake. She stopped calling Freddie's name as her breathing became ragged. In no time she was gasping for air; she couldn't breathe. Because of her sobbing it took Spencer a minute to see what was happening. Carly was having an asthma attack.

"Wait here with Carly. I'm going to get her inhaler. She can't breathe." Spencer sprang to his feet and dashed for his bedroom where he knew he kept an emergency inhaler.

Sam was on the verge of panicking. She had never seen Carly have an asthma attack before; it had been so long since her last one. She didn't know what to do. Carly slumped to the ground; her body convulsing. She was still hitting the floor with her fists when she slammed the back of her head against the tile floor. That prompted Sam to action.

"Spencer hurry," she screamed as she cradled Carly's head in her lap. She was afraid she had cut her head open. Sam felt with the fingers of her right hand, but thankfully detected no blood. A good size bump was forming though.

Spencer arrived with the inhaler. He placed in her mouth and implored her to calm down and breathe. "Please breathe for us," he was now begging her. After few agonizing minutes her breathing began to improve but she was still sobbing uncontrollably and her body was still convulsing.

"What are we going to do Spencer?" Sam was crying almost as hard as Carly now. She was strong, but seeing her best friend go through this was taking its toll on her.

"Wait with her. I am going to call Dr. Matthews." Spencer ran into the living room. Thankfully he found Dr. Matthews' card on the coffee table next to his phone. Dr. Matthews answered right away. "Dr. Matthews this is Spencer Shay. We met yesterday."

"Of course Spencer, I remember. Is everything ok?"

"No. It's Carly; we told her about Freddie. She's hysterical right now. She had an asthma attack and even though she is breathing with the help of her inhaler she won't stop shaking. It's almost like she is having a seizure and we can't stop it. Can you please come here?" Spencer was out of breath pleading.

"I'll be right there; I am at the Benson's now."

It was less than a minute later when Dr. Matthews came through the front door. He was carrying a black doctor's bag like you used to see doctors carry in old movies when they really did make house calls. He was about to ask where Carly was when he saw her on the kitchen floor, her head cradled in Sam's lap.

He hurried over to them, Spencer right behind. Dr. Matthews got down on one knee, quickly taking a penlight out of his bag. He shone the light in each of Carly's eyes. He relaxed slightly when he saw they were reactive and could follow the light, this was not a seizure. "Carly, my name is Dr. Robert Matthews; I am a friend of your brother's. I am going to give you something to help you relax. It should make you sleepy; when you wake up you are going to feel much better. I promise." He took a vial and a syringe out of his bag. He guessed Carly's weight and measured the correct amount. Carly did not fight or resist when he injected the tranquilizer into her arm. Her convulsions stopped quickly, within 60 – 90 seconds they were gone. Soon after that Carly was asleep, her head still resting in Sam's lap in the kitchen.


	4. Freddie's Wake

Carly Shay woke up in a fog. Her vision was unfocused, everything was blurry. She could hear someone speaking, but the words were indistinct. After a few moments she recognized the ceiling of her bedroom and she could hear Sam speaking to someone.

"Thanks. I really need you." When she heard Carly stirring she rushed her words. "I have to go now, she's waking up. I'm really sorry; I do appreciate you even if I don't often show it. I'll talk to you later." She ended the call on her cell phone and got up from Carly's desk and sat on the edge of the bed. "How are feelin' Carls? You really scared me, I mean us, earlier."

Carly's voice was weak, "he's really dead isn't he. It isn't some horrible nightmare I can't wake up from." She started crying softly.

People who knew Carly and Sam tended to assume that Sam always was the one to act as Carly's protector. This might have been true in a physical sense, Carly wouldn't have been able to help out much in a fist-fight, but when it came to emotional well-being Carly was definitely Sam's protector. When Sam's mother yelled at her, threw her out of the house, hit her or just hurt her feelings; Carly was always there for her. She would offer hugs, moral support, someone Sam could vent with, a place to stay and all the pork products she could muster. In short, she did all she could to make Sam feel better. Without Carly to take care of her Sam didn't know what she would do, or who she would be. She really didn't want to think about it.

Sam was aware of all this but knew that things were different now. Carly was the one hurting emotionally; Sam would have to be there for her this time. Her own grieving would have to be pushed back out of the way so she could care for Carly. She owed it to Carly to do anything and everything she could think of; she just wished she knew what to do. She had to admit that she was scared. When people saw Carly Shay they tended to see someone who was sweet, kind, charming, funny, beautiful and caring. What they didn't see, what Sam, Spencer and maybe Freddie only saw, was just how strong she was. Her mother died when she was four, her father practically abandoned her to reenlist with the military, and she helped Sam deal with all her myriad emotional and family issues on a near constant basis. By all rights Carly should have been an emotional wreck with no time for the problems of others, but yet she was strong enough to handle things.

That's what really scared her about what happened earlier. Carly was always so strong; to see her broken like that shook her own faith in herself; how could she hope to help someone so strong who couldn't cope? Sam put these thoughts out of her head. She had to be strong now for Carly, there was no choice and no room for self doubt. She leaned over and gave Carly a gentle kiss on the forehead. It was an oddly maternal moment between the two best friends. "I'm sorry cupcake. I know what he meant to you, I really do. I wish I could bring him back. Let's get up. I bet Spencer would like to see you."

Sam helped Carly sit up, she was momentarily dizzy. "My head really hurts," Carly felt the back of her head where a large bump had formed, "what happened?"

"You hit your head on the floor pretty hard. Scared me half to death. You also had an asthma attack."

Sam got up so Carly could get out of bed. She stood up unsteadily, it looked like her legs might fail her again, Sam reached out to hold her steady. She let Carly lean on her for support and led her down the stairs to the living room where they found Spencer sitting on the couch. It was almost 7:00p.m.

"Look who is awake, Spencer," Sam called from the stairs.

Spencer turned around; the sight broke his heart. When he carried Carly up to bed early that afternoon she had looked peaceful. Now she looked haggard and sad. Her skin was pale, her hair stringy, and her eyes red and devoid of any spark. He got up and helped Sam lead her over to the couch.

"Carls, I'm going to get you something to drink. Are you hungry?" When Carly nodded no, she got up to get her some ice water.

When Sam returned with the water Carly drank it down in one long gulp. Her throat had been dry and she was quite thirsty. She waited a moment and asked the one question that was foremost on her mind, "why?"

Spencer took Carly's hands while Sam put an arm around her shoulder. Almost as if they were trying to protect her from the conversation they were about to have, which in fact they were. It was Spencer who spoke.

"Freddie was sick. He suffered from clinical depression. According to Mrs. Benson he was first diagnosed 18 months ago, though he was probably suffering long before that. His treatment worked for a while, but about 6 months ago it got worse. His doctor tried medication for the first time, but it didn't work. It might have actually made things worse. Freddie reached a point Friday where his suicidal thoughts finally won out."

"How come me and Sam didn't know about it? Did you know?" Carly looked Spencer right in the eyes, she had stopped crying but her eyes now had an almost accusing look to them.

"No, I did not know. Freddie didn't want anyone to know at all. Not even his family knew about this. His aunt thought he might have been ashamed."

"I wouldn't have cared. I would have still loved him; I would have taken care of him. Why didn't he know that?"

"Freddie was really sick. Dr. Matthews told me that depression, especially clinical depression as bad as Freddie's can really mess with your mind. It can play tricks on you and make you think things that are not true. It's possible Freddie wanted to come to us for help but the disease wouldn't let him."

"That note Freddie wrote for me, he said things that were so untrue and hurtful. How could he think those things? How could he think his dying would make me happy? Why would he say those things?" Carly was almost pleading in her tone.

"I don't know why exactly. Holly, Mrs. Benson's sister, told me yesterday that she didn't think it was Freddie speaking through those notes. She thought it was the disease; I have to agree with her. That wasn't the real Freddie."

Carly started crying softly again. "If I'd told him last weekend he'd still be alive now. If I hadn't rejected him all those years he'd be ok, wouldn't he?" Her crying grew stronger, tears rolling down her cheeks.

The vehemence in Spencer's reply shocked both her and Sam. "NO, absolutely not. Don't you ever say that again. I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that. Freddie was sick, he had a disease, and you could not have prevented what happened. You aren't psychic, you couldn't have read Freddie's mind. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!"

Carly was taken back by the urgency in Spencer's voice. She stopped crying, actually scared for a second; she had never heard Spencer talk like that.

"Carly, I'm sorry if I scared you for a sec. Dr. Matthews, he is the one who gave you the sedative, he wanted me to stress to you that this was absolutely not your fault. He told me you're going to be grieving enough, that you shouldn't add the false burden of guilt to it." Carly nodded just slightly. "I would also appreciate it if you spoke with Dr. Matthews. He is a psychiatrist and grief counselor at Seattle Memorial Hospital. He is a good friend of Mrs. Benson's and he has offered to help us in whatever way we can."

"I don't know Spencer," Carly seemed hesitant.

"Don't make me insist. He told me it didn't have to be right away, that you should wait until you're ready first, and I will respect that, but I want you to promise me that you will see him eventually. He lives here in the building on the 10th floor, he even offered to meet with you here if you like. Please promise me you will see him."

Carly was a little reluctant, but she could tell this was important to Spencer. "Ok, I'll call him. I just can't promise when right now. Ok?"

"That's ok. We might be busy in the next few days anyway. I spoke to Holly, she said there will be a wake for Freddie Tuesday at 4:30 and the funeral will be the next day at noon. He will be buried in Mount Cavalry cemetery."

Both girls looked pensive for a moment. Though they didn't realize it, they were thinking pretty much the same thing; how much they were dreading these events. Spencer broke them from their thoughts.

"I spoke with Principal Franklin about an hour ago. He is excusing both of you from school for this week if you think you need it. He is also arranging to have a grief counselor speak at the school tomorrow and be available if anyone needs one. He will be at the funeral home Tuesday; any student who wishes to attend the wake is being allowed to leave school early. He wanted me to let both of you know that he is available any time day or night if you need him for anything."

"Now, how about some dinner? Neither of you have eaten a thing all day. Carly, I want you to eat something. Sam, are you going to spend the night?"

"Yeah, if you'll have me. I told Mom what happened and that I wanted to be here for you and Carly. Is that ok with you Carly?"

Carly gave Sam a tight hug. "I need you more than ever. Please stay."

* * *

Carly did not sleep well that night. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Freddie, and it broke her heart. Sam tried to comfort her from her side of Carly's large bed. She even stroked Carly's hair to try and get her to fall asleep. After several hours of attempts, Carly finally did find slumber with the help of a couple sleeping pills. Then the dream came.

_It was a beautiful warm spring day. Freddie was taking her by the hand, leading her to a picnic blanket that lay out alongside a tranquil lake. The birds were chirping and everything seemed so alive around them. Freddie poured them each a glass of wine and told her that of all the Earth's treasures, she was the most beautiful and priceless. She smiled, blushing, "Please Freddie, you're embarrassing me."_

"_Sorry, Carly, I can only speak the truth. You are the greatest treasure in the entire universe. Being together with you these last several years has just reinforced what I have believed since the 7__th__ grade."_

"_You're not so bad yourself, Freddie. You know that, right?"_

_Freddie leaned over and kissed Carly deeply on the lips. It was a kiss that bespoke the love and commitment that they felt for each other. A love that would last forever. "Can I ask you something Carly?"_

"_Of Course," Carly smiled at the look in Freddie's eyes. His look of expectation and excitement were so clear._

"_Carly, would you do me the honor of being my wife?" Freddie presented the most beautiful ring Carly had ever seen. _

"_Yes, Freddie, yes," Carly shrieked as Freddie slid the ring onto her finger. _

"_Wait here," Freddie said suddenly as he got up quickly and walked into the woods. After a minute Carly got up to follow him. After walking for 15 or 20 minutes she came upon Freddie standing at the edge of a cliff._

"_Freddie, what are you doing?"_

"_I have to Carly. I would just drag you down with me."_

"_No Freddie, I can help you. Please don't do this. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!"_

"_Sorry Carly, but it's the best thing for everyone." Freddie stepped over the edge into the void._

"_FREDDIE NO! FREDDIE NO! FREDDDIIIEEEE NOOOO!"_

"FREDDDIIIEEEE NOOOOO!" Carly screamed as she woke up from her dream turned nightmare.

* * *

Spencer and Carly arrived at the funeral home for Freddie's wake 45 minutes late. Spencer had difficulty getting Carly out of bed and ready. Since her first dream of Freddie Sunday night she had hardly left her room. The only time she left her bed was to use the bathroom. She couldn't even muster enough energy to take one of her marathon showers. Spencer brought her food and forced her to eat at least a little bit. Dr. Matthews told him it was best to let her work through her grief on her own terms right now. So Spencer gave her privacy, intruding only to feed her and to occasionally check up on her.

Sam spent most of the day Monday helping Holly put together picture collages for Freddie's wake. She had tried to get Carly out of bed to help, but she couldn't budge her. She just lied in bed, sobbing and calling out for Freddie, while holding the chain she had planned on giving him.

Melanie arrived in Seattle Tuesday morning and Sam finally left the Shay's loft then to meet her and get ready for the wake. Sam, Melanie and their mother all arrived at the funeral home early to help Holly, Dr. Matthews and Mrs. Benson set up for the wake. Mrs. Benson seemed to be feeling better and, unlike Carly, the prospect of planning for the wake and funeral seemed to giver her some purpose. When she saw all of the work Sam and put in helping Holly she actually gave Sam a kiss on the forehead and hugged her tightly. That Mrs. Benson of all people would hug her and tell her thanks was enough to actually make her feel like she could get through this ok.

Spencer and Carly were among the last to arrive. All of Freddie's family was there and there were several students from Ridgeway in attendance, along with a few teachers and Principal Franklin and his wife. As they walked inside the funeral home, Carly paused.

"You ok kiddo?" Spencer asked.

"No, but I need to do this." Carly's breathing was a little shallow. She fingered the inhaler she kept in her handbag. Since her attack on Sunday she had kept it by her side constantly.

Carly and Spencer made their way over to the rooms for Freddie's wake. Wendy stopped them on the way and gave Carly a hug. "I am so sorry; please let me know if I can help." Carly hugged her back and thanked her.

A few other Ridgeway students nodded at Carly, appearing appropriately somber. They stopped to speak with Holly and Mrs. Benson. Spencer gave both a tight hug and condolences. When Mrs. Benson and Carly hugged they both cried a little bit; Mrs. Benson knew how Freddie felt about Carly and knew Carly was probably grieving more than anyone other than herself. "Are you ok, Carly?" Mrs. Benson asked with genuine concern.

"I miss him so much. I was going to tell him I loved him Sunday, but now I'll never get that chance."

"Come, let's tell him now. I don't know what you believe, but I am sure Freddie can see and hear us now. I think he would want to hear that." She took Carly by the hand and led her towards Freddie's casket. Holly and Spencer followed close behind.

Freddie's casket was in the back of the second room. It was surrounded by dozens of flower arrangements. There were pictures of Freddie from throughout his life prominently displayed. Holly and Sam had even taken some of the Galaxy Wars movie props he had collected and displayed them. People who saw Freddie, including Sam and Mrs. Benson, thought that he looked restful and at peace. It actually gave Mrs. Benson quite a bit of solace.

As Mrs. Benson and Carly approached Freddie, Carly paused. Mrs. Benson thought she was nervous, and turned to console her, but that was not the case. Carly stopped and was closely looking at Freddie's face. She finally approached closer and examined Freddie from different angles. Finally Carly turned around a slight smile on her face.

"That's not Freddie. Somebody made a mistake. That's not Freddie, IT'S NOT HIM!" Her words grew more excited. "That's not Freddie. We have to find him, he could be hurt and he might need our help."

People began to gather around Carly. Sam tried to calm her down; Carly grabbed her and pulled her close. "We need to look for him. Freddie might need us. It might not be too late."

Sam tried to reason with Carly. "Carly, that is Freddie. That's him, I'm sorry there's nothing we can do."

Carly grew more frantic and she shoved Sam roughly away from her. Melanie and Spencer caught her before she could fall. Carly turned to Mrs. Benson. "You believe me, right? We have to go now; we have to find our Freddie. Please, we have to go now."

Spencer tried to calm Carly down. "Kiddo, you need to calm down. Freddie is right here, that is Freddie." He had a flashback to Sunday when she wouldn't believe it when he and Sam first told her about Freddie. She was obviously not ready to cope yet. He just didn't know how to snap her out of it this time. "Carly, please stop what you're doing. This isn't helping anyone."

Carly couldn't take it anymore. Without thinking she slapped Spencer hard across the face. He was dumbfounded, some of the people gathered around actually gasped. Carly screamed at the top of her lungs, "WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME. THAT IS NOT FREDDIE. FREDDIE NEEDS ME, HE NEEDS US. PLEASE HELP ME FIND HIM. PLEASE HELP ME!" Carly began to sob, "Please help me. Please help me," she repeated as she slumped to the ground.

The people gathered around Carly were shocked. Nobody could have expected this. Spencer, once he recovered from the shock of being slapped, bent down to comfort Carly. She started screaming again, "GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT FREDDIE, YOU DON'T' WANT TO FIND HIM, GET AWAY FROM ME, I HATE YOU!"

Spencer was at a total loss. He had no idea what to do now. It was then that someone came forward to take charge. Principal Franklin was one of those people who it could be said had "command posture". He was used to being in charge; he ran a large school very well and had the respect of most everyone. He was used to making decisions quickly and taking control in a crisis. He applied those same skills here.

He bent down and took Carly into his arms. "Carly, it's going to be ok. We'll find Freddie together. It's ok Carly, it's ok." Principal Franklin picked Carly up off the ground and carried her over to a nearby couch, the people gathered around clearing a path for them.

Carly sobbed softly into Principal Franklin's suit jacket. "We need to find Freddie, he needs us, he needs us to help him."

"Carly, believe me that everything will be better. Freddie is in a better place now. He's not sick anymore. It's going to be ok, trust me. You just need some time. It will be ok, Carly, it will be ok."

Carly threw her hands around Principal Franklin's neck and buried her face into his chest. For the first time since she was told Freddie had died she felt comfortable and safe. Principal Franklin's voice made her relax. It wasn't what he was saying; it was just his tone of voice. It was the comforting tone of someone in complete control; it was the comforting tone of her father. In fact, Mrs. Franklin had heard him comfort his and her daughters with the exact same tone of voice on many occasions.

Spencer had seen this before. He was sure of it; it took him a minute, but he finally remembered where. When Carly was four and their mother died, she had done the exact same thing with their own father a week after their mother's death. She was smaller then, of course, but the position had been the same; her arms wrapped around his neck and her face buried in his chest. Sobbing, asking when Mommy was coming home.

Spencer was the only person there who was not surprised when, after several minutes of sobbing, Carly calmed down and quietly told Principal Franklin, "I love you Daddy," and then calmly fell asleep.

**Author's note:**

**Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story. I greatly appreciate those who have left reviews. This story is very sad right now, and might stay sad for another chapter or two, but if you stay with it until the end I think you will be satisfied with the ending. The entire story should be posted within the next week I hope. Again, thank you very much.**


	5. Carly Gets Mad

Carly was lying on her bed on the first week anniversary of Freddie's death. She spent her days just lying there staring at the ceiling, thinking about Freddie; what they had had together and what they could have had together. She had only left her apartment twice in that week; once to attend Freddie's wake and the other time to attend his funeral.

After her scene at the wake people didn't know what to expect at he funeral. Carly felt sure some people attended just to see how she would behave. She thought she may have disappointed them. She didn't make any scenes or have any outbursts; she simply sat there in silence, holding Sam's or Spencer's hand and not making a sound. She left quietly with them after the service and returned to the apartment and her bedroom.

Carly had no idea what time it was. She could have looked at the clock on her bed stand, but she just didn't care enough to make the effort. She knew it was after breakfast because Sam had brought up some eggs and bacon for her to eat earlier. She didn't want to eat anything, but Sam was quite insistent. In fact Sam told her she would tie her down to the bed and shove the food down her throat if need be. Carly took the hint, and knowing Sam wouldn't leave until she ate something, quietly ate the eggs and nibbled on a slice of bacon. Sam seemed satisfied and asked Carly if she was ready to get up and do something today.

Carly mumbled a no and Sam took the tray she had brought up back downstairs. Carly went back to staring at the ceiling and thinking about Freddie. An indeterminate amount of time later Sam came back with Spencer. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and Spencer brought Carly's desk chair over to sit in. They looked at Carly in silence for a few moments. Carly was the first to speak.

"What?" Her tone was not standoffish, but it really wasn't friendly either.

Spencer was the one to answer. "Carly, we're worried about you. You aren't doing anything; you hardly eat, you never leave this room and you have hardly spoken to anyone since you heard about Freddie. We'd like you to at least take a shower, get dressed, and at least come downstairs."

"Spencer, what's the point. I'll just be miserable downstairs."

"If you're going to be miserable and depressed I would rather you be with me and Sam. We care about you and want to help you."

"What makes you think I can be helped? The only thing that can help me is Freddie walking through that door."

Sam signed just slightly. "Carls, there's another reason we'd like you to do this. Mrs. Benson and her sister are going to clean out Freddie's room this weekend. They offered to let you go through it today and keep anything you would like."

"Really? I thought Mrs. Benson hated me for what I did at Freddie's wake."

"No, she does not hate you," it was Spencer who replied, "She's actually very concerned about you. She cares about you very much and knows this is incredibly difficult for you. She also thinks maybe this will help you."

"Cupcake," Sam used her favorite pet-name for Carly, "do this for us. Please?"

Carly thought about it for a minute. She really had no desire to leave her bedroom, but the chance to be a little closer to Freddie for even a short while was too much to resist. "Ok, let me up. I'll take a shower. What time is Mrs. Benson expecting me?"

"She said you can come over any time," Spencer replied.

* * *

Carly found herself standing in Freddie's room. Mrs. Benson had showed her in, explaining that she could take all the time she needed. She also put her hand on Carly's shoulder and told her it would be ok. Carly thanked her and Mrs. Benson shut the door behind her so Carly could have some privacy.

Carly's legs were a little week. She sat down on the end of Freddie's bed and took a close look around. She could see his scholastic awards on one shelf. He had tech gear strewn around one desk in the room. A second desk had his computer. There were photo albums piled next to it; probably left over from Holly and Sam's collages at the wake. There was a fair amount of Galaxy Wars paraphernalia still displayed in the room. Carly smiled; some girls would have found it incredibly geeky and a turn-off. To Carly, however, it just symbolized Freddie's child-like wonder and curiosity.

Carly's eyes eventually turned towards the bathroom door. She hadn't consciously decided to come here to see the place where Freddie died, but subconsciously was a different matter. She found that she had a deep urge to see where Freddie had taken his last breaths. With some trepidation, Carly got up from the bed and walked over to the bathroom door, which was currently shut. She put her hand on the doorknob, scared to see what lay beyond, but helpless to turn away. She finally turned the knob and opened the door.

It didn't appear that anyone had been in the room since Mrs. Benson found Freddie on Saturday morning. Freddie's toothbrush and toothpaste were still on the counter. There was also an open bottle of sleeping pills. She turned her attention to the bathtub. Her breath got short when she noticed there were some blood stains left in the tub. Freddie's blood; she found herself crying softly. She went over to the tub and kneeled down. This was the spot Freddie had taken his life; Carly thought she might feel something of his presence. She was disappointed; there were no vestiges of Freddie left here.

Something off to the side, behind the toilet, caught her attention. She reached over and picked it up; she realized what it was, it was the knife Freddie had used. She stood up still holding the knife; she took a step back towards the door when she began feeling very faint. Suddenly her legs could no longer hold her weight; she slumped down to the floor with her back against the wall opposite the tub. She found herself falling into a trance-like state, unable to move. It was as if she was in a waking dream.

_Freddie walked into the bathroom wearing only a pair of boxers. He looked closely at himself in the mirror over the sink, fresh tears in his eyes. He turned the water on in the tub and once the water reached his desired temperature he put in the plug so the tub would fill. There was a bottle of sleeping pills on the counter next to the sink. He opened the bottle, poured a handful of pills, and swallowed them all; washing them down with cold water from the sink._

_When the water in the tub reached the proper level, Freddie turned it off and left the room. He reentered momentarily, carrying a medium-sized hunting knife. He took his shorts off and climbed into the tub. He settled into position and paused._

_Carly tried screaming at Freddie, "I'm here Freddie, stop this. You don't have to do this, I want to help you. Freddie STOP IT. I want to help you." No matter how loud Carly screamed, her voice didn't produce any sound at all. She tried getting up to stop Freddie physically, but found she couldn't move at all. All she could do was watch._

_Freddie was crying even harder now. Tears were falling down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and exhaled. He took the knife in his left hand and brought it to his right wrist. He began slashing at his wrist with a cross-wise motion. His first few attempts did not produce much blood, but then he pressed harder and finally cut deep enough. Massive amounts of blood began pouring out of his right wrist._

_Carly was sobbing as much as Freddie, and wanted to turn away, but was unable to move. She saw Freddie switch the knife to his right hand and, with considerable effort, begin hacking at his left wrist. He finally managed to cut open another vein. Blood began leaving Freddie's body in amounts Carly could never have imagined. As he grew weaker the knife fell from his right hand and slid to its spot behind the toilet, to be found by Carly a week later._

_Carly sobbed, trying to scream Freddie's name but no actual sound escaping. She saw Freddie's head slump back against the wall of the tub; the color leaving his face rapidly. His eyes kept sobbing right up until the point where Freddie lost consciousness and they shut forever. The water in the tub had turned a shade somewhere between dark pink and red. Carly could only watch has Freddie's breathing gradually slowed until his chest stopped moving at all and he was finally dead._

Carly regained consciousness in Freddie's empty bathroom. She had no idea how long she had sat there. She looked at the knife in her hand; there was still some of Freddie's dried blood on it. She threw it aside quickly; as if it was infected and evil. Carly thought about what she had just seen. It was obvious to her that she had witnessed Freddie's last moments on Earth. It was also obvious to her that Freddie's last hours were spent in profound sadness and that he had truly wanted to live, but his disease would not let him.

A few days, even a few hours earlier, this news would have sent her into uncontrollable spasms of sobbing. Having witnessed Freddie's death, however, she was now filled with rage. She was filled with anger that Freddie had wanted help; she could see that clearly in his eyes, but that nobody was there to provide him that help.

Carly stood up and backed out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She now wanted to see Freddie's computer. She moved the photo-albums onto the floor and turned the computer on. She didn't know if she would find anything interesting, but she thought that if there were any more clues to Freddie's last days, they might be here. Freddie had given her the password for his computer once; she hoped he hadn't changed it. She exhaled once the computer stared booting up; she hadn't realized she had been holding her breath while entering the password.

It took a few minutes for Freddie's computer to finish booting up. Carly clicked on his main file directory. A number of file folders popped up; she ignored the technical computer ones. There was one labeled "iCarly ideas", she clicked on it. There were files going back almost three years, all word documents. Nothing seemed unusual; she clicked back into the main directory. She spent 15 minutes opening various folders. Most contained year's worth of school assignments, pictures and show related material. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She decided to open his web browser.

She clicked open his favorites tab, expecting to find any number of Galaxy Wars sites, tech sites and maybe even a few porn sites. She was surprised to find none of these types of websites saved here. Instead she saw maybe a dozen sites related to depression and suicide. She opened a few of them; each one was for an organization dedicated to preventing suicide. They also prominently displayed numbers for suicide hotlines. Carly thought of something, she needed to see Freddie's cell phone.

She found it on his bed stand, still plugged into the charger. She turned the phone on, and once it was ready, opened his outgoing calls directory. She noticed her name a couple of times and the apartment phone number once. There were a few numbers she recognized as belonging to Gibby and Shane. Scrolling to the date that he died she noticed several calls to numbers she did not recognize, all of the calls being made after 5:30. The last call was made at 9:45 that evening; it was a local Seattle number. Carly pressed the correct button on the phone to dial the number. After two rings the phone was answered, "King County suicide prevention hotline." Carly hung up the phone and hurled it against the wall as hard as she could. The back of the phone popped off and it fell behind the bed. Carly was furious; she opened Freddie's bedroom door and without a word to Mrs. Benson or Holly walked right out their front door and into her apartment.

Spencer was making dinner in the kitchen when Carly stormed in. Carly marched right into the kitchen, her eyes blazing with fury. "Spencer, what were you doing Friday night around 9:30?"

Spencer thought for a moment, "by that time I was out celebrating Socko's birthday. Why?"

"Freddie was trying to get help then, that's why. Did you know that Freddie was calling suicide hotlines, trying to find a way to keep from ending his own life?"

"No, I didn't know that. I.."

Carly cut him off. "No of course you didn't know that. You were too busy getting drunk off your ass. You were too busy having a good time to care about what was happening to Freddie. If you had been here he might have come to you and gotten help. He'd be alive today. HE'S DEAD BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GO OUT DRINKING!" Carly's rage was taking over.

Sam had come into the kitchen by this point. Before Spencer could answer Sam stepped in to defend him. "That's not fair Carly. There was no way Spencer could have known that." Sam tried to keep her voice calm, she knew about Carly's temper as well as Spencer.

Carly turned on her best friend. "You're one to talk. Where were you when Freddie needed help? That's right; it wouldn't have mattered, because you would have just let him die."

Sam gasped, her voice began to rise. "That is not true. How could you even think that?"

"You hated him Sam. You always insulted him, always put him down; you hurt him every chance you got. YOU'RE HAPPY HE'S DEAD!"

Carly's words cut Sam to the bone. She had been deathly afraid that Freddie had killed himself because of her somehow. Spencer and Melanie had spent a lot of time convincing her otherwise. She couldn't believe that her best friend in the entire world would hurt her this way. Tears started falling down her cheeks. "Carls, please take that back. It's not true."

Carly grew even more enraged. "What are you doing crying for Freddie? You don't deserve that privilege." Without warning Carly slapped Sam hard across the face; Sam was utterly surprised, as was Spencer.

"Carly, what are you doing?" Sam was shocked more than angry.

Carly's only reply was to punch Sam in the face this time. Again, Sam was so shocked she made no move to defend herself. She knew that Carly could not be in her right mind and she didn't want to hurt her. It made no difference to Carly; however, as she punched Sam three more times before Spencer got over his surprise and pulled Carly off of her.

Carly had never been so mad in her life. "I hate you Sam Puckett, I wish you were the one who died. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!"

Sam couldn't believe her ears. The words Carly was saying hurt far more than her punches. She didn't think she could do anything to help now. She turned and fled the Shay's apartment. She felt bad leaving Spencer alone with Carly but she saw no other alternative.

After Sam left, Carly stopped struggling with Spencer and he released his grip. She turned to him, her eyes completely consumed with rage. She didn't say anything, just glared at him for a moment, and then turned on her heels and went up to her room.

Not for the first time since Freddie's death, Spencer found himself at a complete loss. He feared Carly was getting worse and needed help much sooner rather than later. Not knowing what else to do he pulled out Dr. Matthews's card from his wallet and dialed his home number. He got his voice mail and left a message. "Dr. Matthews, this is Spencer Shay in 8C. Carly needs your help really bad. Please call me as soon as you can. Thanks." Spencer dialed his cell phone and got voice mail once again. He left the same message and hung up. He prayed that Dr. Matthews would call back soon.


	6. Carly Makes Amends

Spencer was sitting on the couch, just sitting and thinking about Carly's completely irrational outburst, when his cell phone rang. He had texted Sam a few times and tried calling her once, but she had not answered. He answered his phone without checking the caller id, hoping it was Sam. Instead it was Dr. Matthews.

"Spencer, I'm sorry I was unable to answer your call earlier. I was with a patient. Is Carly ok? You said she needed help." Dr. Matthew's voice was very calm, it helped to comfort Spencer.

"I don't think Carly is ok. She went over to Freddie's apartment and went through some of his things before Holly and Marissa pack them up. When she came back she was completely unhinged and angry. Look, I was worried about her apathy and depression this week and was hoping she would snap out of it, but this isn't right."

"Anger is part of the grieving process that we talked about."

"I know Dr. Matthews, but this isn't right. She accused me of causing Freddie's death by not being here for him that night. When Sam tried to stick up for me Carly completely lost it with her. She told Sam that she didn't deserve to cry for Freddie and that she actually wanted him to die. Even worse, she physically attacked Sam. She punched Sam several times in the face. I don't know if Sam is ok, either. She left in a hurry; it looked like her nose was bleeding. I don't know what to do with Carly, I'm sorry; it's just that I can't predict anything about her since Freddie died."

"Spencer, you are doing your best, and that is pretty good as far as I can tell. Normally you don't want to get involved with someone's grieving process and try and rush the stages they are going through. Usually someone has to move through them at their pace. However, if someone is harmful to themselves or someone else you can't just ignore that. Would you like me to see Carly in a doctor/patient setting?"

"Yes, I would."

"I am happy to help in any way I can. The only problem, though, is Carly has to be open to the process. If we sit down and talk she has to be a willing participant. I can't help her if she isn't willing to listen and help. Do you think you can convince her to call me? We can set up a time to meet then. She is welcome to come up to my apartment, or I can come to your place. As long as we are alone any place is fine with me."

"I'll try and talk to her and give her your card. I will do my best to convince her to call you. Would that be ok?"

"That's fine Spencer. I am on my way home from the hospital now; she can call me anytime on my cell phone. Ok?"

"That would be great Dr. Matthews. I'll do my best to convince her to call you."

"Good luck Spencer, and one more thing, feel free to call me Bob. Dr. Matthews is a bit formal."

Spencer hung up the phone, feeling a little better. Now he just had to convince Carly to make the call and be willing to get help. He sat on the couch for a bit, trying to think of how to approach Carly, when he finally decided on a course of action. It wouldn't be pleasant but at that point, after what she did to Sam, he didn't think Carly really deserved gentle treatment. He took Dr. Matthew's card and went up the stairs to Carly's bedroom.

Spencer found Carly sitting on her bed with her legs drawn up under her chin. Her arms were wrapped around her knees; it was as if she were trying to draw herself into as small a space as possible. She was shaking, Spencer worried that she might be having an asthma attack, but that was not the case.

"What do you want?" Carly's voice was not as angry as earlier, but it was by no means pleasant."

"Carly, right now I want you to shut up and listen very carefully to everything I am about to say." Carly was about to interject, but Spencer cut her off. "Not one word until I am finished. Do you understand?"

Spencer had never used this tone of voice with Carly before, she was convinced he was serious and just nodded her head.

"Carly, what you did earlier was absolutely and totally unacceptable. You hurt me and you hurt Sam. Do you have any idea how worried Sam has been about you? Do you have any idea how hurt Sam has been by Freddie dying? She has hardly had any chance to grieve over him because she has been so worried about your well-being. You telling her she was glad Freddie died is beyond cruel. And hitting her like that? You cannot do that, no matter how grief-stricken you are. I don't care if you need time to get over Freddie; I am not going to let you hurt other people like that."

Carly's nodded impassively. Spencer continued, "You need professional help, god knows you need more help than I can provide. That's why I want you to call Dr. Matthews and make and appointment to see him as soon as possible." Carly started to protest, Spencer cut her off, "I said not one word. It's your choice if you want to call him or not. He told me that you had to be open to the process and that if you didn't come into it with an open mind he couldn't help you. So it really is up to you, you don't have to meet with him. Think hard about it though. If you choose not to see him you can no longer live here."

Carly's eyes grew a little wider with that. "Yes, Carly, I am that serious. If you don't want to get help that's fine, but then I can't live with you anymore. I'll call Grandpa Shay and he can take you to Yakima. Think hard about it kiddo, but don't take forever." Spencer dropped Dr. Matthew's card on the bed next to Carly and left.

Carly sat in her bed like that for a few hours thinking about things. She didn't know why she was so angry and why she lashed out at Sam and Spencer like that. She really didn't know how she was going to continue without professional help of some kind, it's just that the thought of seeing a psychiatrist was distasteful to her. She didn't want to be labeled as one of those poor "emo" types. She considered this for a bit before it occurred to her that Freddie probably had the same idea, and that it ultimately might have led to his dying. She choked back a few tears and picked up her cell phone, dialing the number Spencer had circled on the card.

Even though it was after 10:30 p.m. the phone was picked up on the second ring. "Hello, my name is Carly Shay, is this Dr. Matthews?" Carly started crying, she tried to hold back the tears, but couldn't any longer.

"Yes it is, Carly. Are you ok?"

"No, I'm not ok. I need help, Dr. Matthews. Do you think we can meet sometime?"

"Of course we can. We can meet whenever you're ready. I live in the same building as you and your brother. You are welcome to come up here if that is easier for you."

"Yes, that would be good," Carly sniffled. "When can we meet?"

"How about tomorrow morning? Say around 10:00 a.m. Is that ok with you? We can meet right now if you think you need to."

"No, tomorrow at 10:00 is fine. What apartment are you in?"

"I'm in 10B. 10:00 a.m. it is then, but if you feel the need to talk sooner just call me. It doesn't matter what time it is, I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks, I really appreciate that. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye."

Carly ended the call and lay back against her pillows. She stared at the ceiling for a bit and cried herself to sleep, the first time since getting home from Olympia that she had to fall asleep by herself.

* * *

Carly found herself sitting on the couch in Dr. Matthews' living room. He had asked her if she would prefer to speak in his office, but she declined, saying that the living room was fine. In truth she was uncomfortable seeing a counselor, she had been forced to see a few over the years with her mother dying and she had never enjoyed the process. Carly Shay may have been vivacious and outgoing on iCarly, but she tended to keep her deepest personal feelings to herself, rarely sharing them with even Sam or Spencer.

Dr. Matthews began, "So tell me Carly, what happened last night?"

Carly was hesitant. She remembered what Spencer had said, though, and forced herself to speak. "I don't really know. I went to Freddie's room, his mother said I could look through his things before they were packed up, and I found the knife he used to, to you know." Carly's voice trailed off. "Well, I had this dream, only it was more real than a dream, you know, and I saw Freddie die. I saw exactly what he did and I saw the look on his face. I saw the sadness and hurt in his eyes."

"When I woke up I was just so angry. I looked in his computer and I saw that he had been visiting all of these depression and suicide prevention websites. I found his cell phone and saw that he had called some of these hotlines on the night that he died. I don't know why, but I was just got so mad. I went home and saw Spencer making dinner. "

"I can't really explain it. At that moment all I could think about was that if Spencer had been home Freddie would have called him and everything would have been ok. Spencer could have done something to keep Freddie from…. Anyway, I yelled at Spencer and told him it was his fault. I know that it wasn't his fault but I couldn't help myself."

"Sam tried to help Spencer and I, I just lost it." Carly began to cry, Dr. Matthews handed Carly some tissues. She dabbed at her eyes and continued. "I told Sam the most horrible things. I told her she wanted Freddie to die and that she hated him. I know that's not true either, but I just couldn't help myself. I was just so full of anger and frustration.'

"Then I did the worst thing imaginable. I hit Sam, I hit her multiple times. I don't know why, but at that moment I hated her and was so mad at her I had to hit her. Dr. Matthews, please, I'm not like that. I've never done that before. How could I do that?"

Dr. Matthews patiently waited for Carly to finish. When she was done he spoke in an open, friendly manner. "First, Carly, you can call me Bob if you'd like. Ok? I am still a doctor, and everything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence, but maybe you would feel more comfortable if we were on a first name basis."

Carly nodded. "Thanks,…Bob." Calling him by his first name did feel a little better.

He continued, "Carly you have been put through terrible stress this past week. I understand that Freddie was very special to you."

Carly answered, "He was more than special. I loved him, I still love him, but I never got the chance to tell him. You have no idea how special he truly was."

"Please Carly, tell me about Freddie."

Carly began telling Dr. Matthews everything about Freddie. From the day they first met right up until she left for Olympia on that class trip. She told him about his crush on her and how he proclaimed his love for her almost immediately; about how she didn't return that crush, at least at first. She told him about how Freddie was always there for her and supported her, even though it must have broken his heart when she would date or pine after a different guy. Guys that, in the back of her mind, she knew were not as good as Freddie. She was just too scared to admit it, even to herself.

She told Dr. Matthews about how Freddie nearly sacrificed his very life for her by pushing her out of the way of that taco truck. She explained to him that Freddie didn't want to pursue a relationship with her right then because he wasn't sure if she really loved him, instead of just loving what he had done. She told him about how incredible Freddie was; that he would sacrifice the one thing that would have made him happiest in this whole world just because he didn't want to possibly take advantage of her.

Carly finished by telling Dr. Matthews about finally realizing her true feelings for Freddie over the summer and into the school year. She explained about how she knew Freddie was the right guy for her and how she now pined for him the same we he had pined for her. He chuckled when she told him about looking for Freddie from the peephole in her apartment. When she was finally done you would have thought Freddie was ready to be sainted.

Dr. Matthews understood the depth of Carly's love for Freddie, but there was something missing. "Carly, I can see that you love Freddie very much, but you are not telling me everything. What about the bad things about Freddie?"

"There was nothing bad about Freddie. He was perfect."

"Carly, nobody is perfect. Do you mean that you loved everything about Freddie; that Freddie never hurt you, even by accident?"

"Never! He loved me so much. I just wish I was worthy of his attention."

"Freddie could not have been perfect. And he did hurt you at least once."

"When?" Carly was getting a little disturbed. She didn't want to talk about this.

"Didn't Freddie hurt you when he killed himself?"

Carly was stunned. She hadn't expected to hear that. "Freddie was sick, he hurt himself when he, he, you know."

"When Freddie did what Carly?"

"When he…..you know…." Carly's voice trailed off.

Dr. Matthews pressed. "When he what, Carly? I notice you have a hard time actually saying it."

"I don't' have a hard time saying it."

"Really? Then say it now."

"What's the point Bob? We both know what he did."

"That is true, we do, but I have come to accept it. You haven't. I want you to actually say it."

"Maybe I just don't want to say it."

"Why not? Why does it make you uncomfortable?"

"It doesn't."

"I think it does."

"All right, FREDDIE KILLED HIMSELF. HE COMMITTED SUICIDE! Is that better?" Carly started to cry again.

"Actually that is better. Now why shouldn't that bother you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Carly, Freddie was very sick, but suicide is ultimately a very selfish act. Freddie may have ended his own pain, but he left hurt people in his wake. Some of these people include his mother, you, your brother and your friend Sam. Freddie hurt all of you, even if that wasn't his intention."

"He didn't hurt us. We let him down; we should have been there for him." Carly's tears continued unabated down her cheeks.

"Carly, how could you have known about what Freddie was going to do? He didn't tell you anything was wrong."

"He shouldn't have had to. We should have known, I should have known. Freddie always knew when I was upset."

"Carly, you are not psychic. Unless Freddie told you himself there was no way you could have known for certain he was going to kill himself. Is that why you are upset?"

"I'm not upset about that."

"Really, Carly?"

"Yes, really, Bob."

"It doesn't bother you that Freddie didn't confide to you about this?"

Dr. Matthews had hit a nerve. Carly started fidgeting with her handbag; she did not want to answer. She wiped tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "It doesn't bother me."

"Carly, the boy you loved more than anyone in the world, the boy who loved you more than anything, he doesn't come to you in his time of need and you aren't bothered by that?"

"No." Carly started shaking slightly. "I love him."

"Carly, is there anything you need to admit to yourself right now?"

Carly began shaking harder, as if she was struggling with herself. As if she were trying desperately to keep something inside of her but failing. "HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!" Carly was sobbing uncontrollably now. "I loved him so much; I would have loved him no matter what. He could have come to me and I would have helped him. I wouldn't have turned him away."

Carly continued, "I am so mad at him right now. I am so mad at him I can't stand it. We promised no more secrets, that we would tell each other everything, and he kept this from me. I could have helped him but he wouldn't let me and now I'll never see him again." Carly's crying overtook her and she couldn't say any more.

Dr. Matthews let her crying continue without interruption. He knew that they had reached a breakthrough. After several minutes Carly's sobs finally slowed down to the occasional tear falling down her cheek. Dr. Matthews took the opportunity to finally speak. "Carly, you loved Freddie so much, but he also hurt you with his actions or inaction in this case. The thing is, you can do both. You can love him and be mad at him at the same time. Being upset with him doesn't mean you love him any less."

Carly sniffled and nodded her head. Dr. Matthews went on, "You need to get past the idea that you cannot be mad at Freddie because you loved him and he is dead now. You need to reach acceptance and gain closure. Quite frankly, Carly, I think there is only one way for you to do that."

"What's that?"

"You are going to have to find a way to forgive Freddie. You are also going to have to get the forgiveness of Spencer and Sam for your actions. All of that has to happen before you can move on and live the rest of your life."

"How do I do that?"

"Unfortunately I can't really help you there. I would recommend, however, that you be open and honest with your feelings with Spencer and Sam. They love you very much, but you did hurt them greatly. It might take some time."

"Thanks. I really appreciated this talk, Bob. I was really scared before we started, but I feel better now."

"I'm glad this helped. I am always available for you and your brother. Perhaps we should meet again next week sometime? There are still things you probably need to work out."

Carly got up to leave the apartment. "Thanks. I would actually like that a lot. I'll let you know how things go today. I think I have to go see Spencer right now."

Dr. Matthews got up to show Carly out. "I'd appreciate that. Call my cell phone or my office and we'll set up an appointment. Good luck Carly, you did very well today."

* * *

Carly walked back into her own apartment. After her talk with Dr. Matthews she felt an urgent need to see Spencer and Sam and to try and make things right between them. She found Spencer looking at the kitchen computer; he turned around when the door shut. His eyes seemed to hold a mixture of concern, hope and apprehension. He stood up and was about to say something when Carly ran across the apartment and threw herself into his arms.

"Spence, I am so sorry for everything. God I am so sorry. Tears started pouring out of her eyes as she held Spencer close. I don't hate you and I didn't mean those awful things I said. Dr. Matthews helped me realize some things this morning. Some things I just couldn't accept on my own; things that were driving me crazy all week. Spencer, can you please forgive me? Please?"

Spencer was not the type of person who could ever stay mad at anyone, let alone his closest relative and the most important person in the world to him. He hugged her back harder, "Of course I forgive you." He kissed her on the forehead.

"Dr. Matthews says I still probably have some issues to work out, not all related to Freddie, and that he would like to continue seeing me. I'll do it, but I'm going to need your help."

"Don't worry sis, I'll help you in any way you need."

Carly grew slightly more somber, "I'm also going to need Sam's help."

"I probably can't help you too much there. You're pretty much on your own."

"I know Spencer. I'm just worried I've ruined our friendship forever. I hurt her really bad and she's not as forgiving as you are. But I have to try."

* * *

Early Sunday afternoon Carly walked up to the front door of Sam's house and rang the doorbell. She had tried texting and calling Sam's cell phone all day and all night Saturday. She never got a response to her texts and her phone calls eventually went straight to voice mail. Carly knew that Sam probably didn't want to see her now; heck she probably didn't want to ever see her again. Carly could not give up, however. Sam was too important to her, and she was too important to Sam she hoped, for their friendship to end like that.

She was about to ring the bell a second time when she heard footsteps approaching. Carly started to say "Hi Sam" when she realized it was actually Melanie who opened the door. The look she was giving Carly was severe and angry; Carly had never seen her like that.

"What are you doing here?" Melanie's voice had a very hard edge. There was no trace of friendliness that was almost always present. Carly thought to herself that maybe the Puckett twins were not so different after all.

"Is Sam here? I need to see her." Carly kept her voice low and steady. She knew she deserved the scorn Melanie was ready to give her.

"She's here, but maybe she doesn't need to see you."

"Please Mel, I've been texting and calling to no avail."

"I know Carly. I turned her phone off. She didn't need to hear from you."

Carly began to plead. "Please Mel, let me just talk to her. I need to say I'm sorry."

Melanie's voice was sarcastic, "Oh, you're sorry. Well that makes everything all right then." Her voice grew serious, "do you have any idea what Sam has done for you since you found out Freddie died? She spent every night comforting you in bed trying to get you to sleep. She hardly slept herself because she was worried about you. She brought all of your meals to you in your bedroom and made you eat because she didn't want you to get sick. She helped plan Freddie's wake and funeral because she knew you couldn't do it and she didn't want to put you through that pain. She didn't once talk to you about the pain and hurt she was feeling, or about her grief, because she didn't want to upset you. Instead she had to get what comfort she could from me and Spencer in between caring for you. The thing is she needed her best friend."

A few tears escaped Carly's eyes, but that did not slow Melanie one bit. Her voice grew fiercer. "And what did you do on Friday when she still needed you? You tell her that she wanted Freddie to die, that she didn't care if he was dead and then you beat her up. You miserable bitch, do you know what she did when she got home Friday?"

Carly couldn't bring herself to speak; she simply shook her head no. Melanie continued, "She went to her room sobbing and screaming that she didn't deserve to live because Freddie died because of her. No matter what I did, no matter how much I told her she was wrong, she convinced herself that she deserved to die like Freddie."

More tears fell over Carly's cheeks; she couldn't hold them back. Melanie still did not let up. "Do you know what I caught her doing early Saturday morning when I went to check on her? She was holding a knife to her wrist. She kept saying that she had to be punished. I have spent every moment since then right by her side. I dragged her with me when I got her something to eat. I took her to the bathroom. I even bathed her because I didn't trust her alone in the bathtub. But don't worry, you being sorry makes everything all better." She was about to shut the door in Carly's face when Sam spoke from the bottom of the staircase.

"It's ok Mel, you can let her in." Sam's voice sounded tired.

"Are you sure sis?"

"Yeah, me and Carly need to talk."

"Ok, if you're sure." Just before Melanie stepped aside to let Carly in, she leaned in close to Carly's ear and whispered, "If you hurt her anymore Carly Shay, I promise you, there is nothing on this planet that will be able to protect you from me." With that she turned and left.

Carly walked into the Puckett living room. Sam came forward to meet her and when she stepped out of the shadows by the staircase and into the light of the living room Carly gasped. Sam's left eye was blackened and swollen. Her lip was also swollen and had partially split open. Her good eye was red from constant sobbing. Carly couldn't believe that she had inflicted that much physical damage on her best friend. She reached out for Sam but she shied away from the contact.

"Please Sam can we talk?"

Sam nodded silently and led Carly over to the beaten couch. Carly sat on one end while Sam took up position on the opposite side.

Carly wiped the tears from her eyes and composed herself. "Sam, I am so sorry for what I did. I didn't want to hit you; I would never want to hurt you. I was not thinking straight and I snapped. I talked to someone yesterday, he really helped me. Believe me, Sam; I will never hit you again."

"Carly," Sam sounded very tired, "I've been hit before. That's not what hurt me. What hurt was you thinking that I wanted Freddie to die. That I didn't care, that I don't miss him now." Sam was trying not to cry.

"Sam, please believe me, I didn't mean any of that. I know that you loved Freddie and would never want him hurt. I spoke to Dr. Matthews yesterday; he showed me that I was really angry with Freddie, but that I couldn't bring myself to admit it. Friday I couldn't keep the anger inside any longer and I wound up lashing out at you and Spencer. If I could take it all back I would take every word and every hit back. Please believe me."

Tears slowly started coming from Sam's eyes. "Carly, I really needed you. I put myself completely aside just to take care of you. I love you so much, but when I needed you most you hurt me so bad. Carly, you made me think I needed to die. How could you do that to me?"

"Sam, I don't know how I can make it up to you. Whatever you tell me to do I'll do it. But maybe you'll let me start now by letting me take care of you." Carly scooted over to Sam and took her into her arms. "Sam, I love you so much. I know you're hurting, and miss Freddie more than anything." The floodgates of Sam's tears opened; she sobbed harder than she ever had in her life.

"I miss him so much Carly." Sam's tears stained Carly's t-shirt. "I miss him so much. Why did he have to do this?" Soon thereafter Sam's words drifted away into gentle sobbing.

Carly gave Sam a gentle kiss on her forehead and another one on her swollen eye. "I love you so much Sam. I'll never hurt you again" Carly whispered into Sam's ear as she drifted off to sleep in Carly's arms. Sam was finally getting the love and support from her best friend that she desperately needed. And for the first time in a long while Carly felt like everything might be ok.

**

* * *

****15 Days after the death of Fredward Benson**

It was a cool, clear day in Seattle. Even though it was noon time the sun did little to warm the air. Carly and Sam walked hand-in-hand through the cemetery. Though what they were about to do was necessary, neither of them relished the thought of visiting Freddie's gravesite. They held hands as a way to provide mutual comfort and support to one another.

They found the correct marker:

_Fredward Karl Benson_

_Born: February 4, 1994 Died: October 15, 2010_

_A loving son and friend who left us too soon._

_May he find his eternal peace._

They both knelt down. Carly placed the flowers down they had bought on the way to the cemetery. Carly thought about what had happened since she and Sam had made up. They had gone back to school the next day, unsure of what to expect. Carly thought she would be in for some degree of teasing since she had called Principal Franklin "Daddy" in front of everyone at the wake. She was somewhat surprised that people actually treated her with gentle kindness. Apparently everyone pretty much considered her to be akin to Freddie's "widow" and wanted to be nice to her. Even Ms. Briggs and Mr. Howard expressed their condolences to her.

The biggest change might have been Sam herself. She still felt bad about all of her teasing and bullying of Freddie. She resolved to stop bullying cold turkey, and to prove it to herself and everyone around her (especially Carly), on the first day back to school she sought Gibby out and gave him a huge hug. While holding Gibby in her massive bear hug she told him she was sorry for picking on him all those years and that she would never do it again. She also told him that she loved him as a friend. This, of course, caused Gibby to panic and flee to Principal Franklin's office yelling that something was wrong with Sam.

The previous night they had the first iCarly show since Freddie's death with Gibby operating the camera. The entire show was turned into a tribute to Freddie. They played all of his favorite bits and people came on to read tributes to him. At the end of the show Sam gave a list of organizations and phone numbers for people to contact if they suffered from depression or had any suicidal thoughts. She implored people, especially children and teens, to seek help no matter what. The worst thing they could do, Sam said, was not let their friends help them.

They also announced that it would also be the last iCarly for a while, that they needed to take a hiatus until they could sort out their feelings about Freddie. They promised that they were not gone forever, just for a little bit.

Carly took Sam's left hand in her right hand and finally spoke. "Freddie, I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can, because I have something really important to tell you."

Carly hesitated; Sam squeezed her hand to show her support. Carly went on, "Freddie, we love you so much. I will love you forever, but you hurt us. You kept this from us. You didn't trust us to help you when you needed help the most. We are mad at you for that; you have caused us so much grief and pain these last couple weeks. You need to know that Freddie."

Carly paused to take a deep breath. "Freddie, we didn't come here to castigate you. We know you were sick, we just wish you would have shared this with us and trusted us to help you. What we really came here to do is forgive you Freddie."

Carly looked up towards the sky. "Freddie, I forgive you for not trusting me to help you when you were so sick. I am going to let my anger at that go so I can begin the rest of my life. When I think about you now Freddie, and I will think about you a lot, I only want to think of the good times and how much I love you. Freddie, I forgive you."

It was Sam's turn to speak; she looked up to the sky as well. "Freddie, I forgive you as well. I also want to say that I'm sorry. I always thought of you like a brother; I never wanted to hurt you with my teasing and bullying. If you can see and hear me now, please forgive me Freddie."

Sam looked down at Freddie's headstone. Suddenly she looked back up at the sky, "Freddie, I just want to tell you one more thing. If you are able to look down on me from where you are don't get all pervy and stare at me while I'm changing clothes. That's just not right."

Carly chuckled, and then started laughing for the first time since; well she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed. When her laughter subsided finally, she looked back up to the heavens, "Freddie, if you are able to watch me, it's ok if you stare at me while I'm changing clothes. I wanted you to see me naked anyway."

Sam just shook her head. She got up first and then helped Carly to her feet. They started walking out of the cemetery together, holding hands. They didn't know what the coming days, weeks, months and years would bring. They just knew that they would always be there for each other.

**

* * *

****Author's note. This is a pretty long chapter, but there is still more to the story. An epilogue I hope to finish writing this weekend. The epilogue is pretty epic in scale and may actually be as large, or larger, than this chapter. Don't worry, this has been a pretty sad story overall, but I think the epilogue will have a nice payoff. **

**Many thanks to those who have been reading this story and many more thanks to those who have taken the time to post reviews. This is the first time I have written anything like this and appreciate any feedback, both positive and negative. **


	7. Epilogue, Part 1,

**10 Years after the death of Fredward Karl Benson**

Carly Shay sat in her dressing room on the day of her wedding. Her second best friend Jenny had just finished putting the finishing touches on her makeup and had left to take her place for the ceremony and to give Carly a few minutes to herself. Carly took a long look at herself in the mirror and thought about what had brought her to this point.

Carly was 26 years old and about to marry her number one best friend in the world, Sam Puckett. Sam had changed a lot since Freddie's death. She had kept up her initial resolve to stop bullying. She added to that by not pulling pranks any longer and devoting more time and energy to actually doing well in school. She confided to Carly and Principal Franklin one day that it was one of the ways she felt like she could honor Freddie's memory. Principal Franklin had always had a soft spot for Sam despite her misbehavior and disrespectful nature. He always knew that Sam was smart enough to succeed academically, he was not surprised that she was able to get mostly A's in her classes instead of C's or D's.

Besides also making herself a better person to honor Freddie, Sam also decided to make teen depression and adolescent mental health issues an important cause. She was not alone in this endeavor; Mrs. Benson also took up this cause with her. Mrs. Benson's obsessive nature and organization combined with Sam's strength and sheer force-of-will made a very powerful combination. They worked tirelessly to convince local school districts of the need for more education on the subject; they also worked to make mental health screening a mandatory event on an annual basis.

Carly smiled, Sam recently graduated from medical school at the top of her class. She had her choice of any residency program in the country but had chosen to stay in Seattle so Carly wouldn't have to leave her job. In fact they only had time for the wedding and a two-week honeymoon before Sam began her residency program at Seattle Grace.

Carly had just finished her master's program in education at the University of Washington. She had been going to grad school part time while working at Ridgeway as a teacher. She taught English and Drama; she also was the faculty advisor for the school's drama club. It turned out she loved being a teacher as much as anything. She couldn't imagine doing anything else for a career. She loved the idea of educating young people and mentoring them as they transitioned to adulthood. She still had a bit of a performing streak in her; as a teenager she had used the web show to tap into it, now she used her classes. She was popular with all of the students and a favorite of Principal Franklin's.

There was a knock on the door, "Come in, I'm decent," Carly said.

Spencer poked his head in. "How are you holding up kiddo? Nervous at all?"

Carly grinned, "I have never been less nervous or surer about something in my entire life. I've been waiting for this day since we first kissed for real on Sam's 17th birthday."

Spencer grinned. "Glad to hear it. I'm going to go check on blushing bride number 2. I'll see you inside." Spencer closed the door; he was going to be walking Sam down the aisle.

Their ceremony was not going to be a conventional one. Even in Seattle you couldn't find many churches willing to marry a gay couple. Neither Carly nor Sam was particularly religious anyway, but they did want some sort of ceremony to demonstrate their love and commitment for one another. They wound up creating their very own which happened to involve being led down the aisle by a parent and having that parent stand with them.

The only problem was that neither of them had any parents left to fulfill that duty. Sam's mother was not thrilled when Sam came out of the closet the summer between her junior and senior years of high school. She did not evict Sam from the house entirely but she did not make her very comfortable. In return Sam moved in with the Shays for all practical purposes. Sam was devastated when her mother refused to come to her high school graduation. Sam had worked hard to graduate in the top 10 of her class and wanted her mother to be proud of her as well. When she refused to attend, Sam cut off virtually all contact with her. In early January of Sam's freshman year of college she went on a massive drinking binge and died of alcohol poisoning.

Carly's father was surprised when Carly came out to him at the same time Sam came out to her mother. Thankfully, however, he was not particularly upset by it. He had no moral issues with homosexuality and his travels around the world had given him an open mind in regards to most subjects. He was just worried about Carly and Sam's safety; he knew not everyone was accepting of their lifestyle. Carly would have loved for him to walk her down the aisle today, but unfortunately he had died five weeks before her high school graduation. A fire broke out on the submarine on which he was stationed and he died saving two crewmen from the blaze. The fact that he died a hero did not make Carly feel any better.

She remembered when the men from the department of defense came to Ridgeway to give her the news personally. She was pretty sure they couldn't be there to give her good news and she insisted that Principal Franklin be there with her. She stayed strong until they left and then Carly sobbed and sobbed. She was only able to calm down once Principal Franklin took her into an embrace. She wasn't as distraught as she was at Freddie's wake, but she still needed the comfort and reassurance.

When they had decided to include parents walking them down the aisle to each other Sam was at a loss. Even if her mother had been alive she would never have consented and Sam would not have wanted her to. Melanie could have done it but she was acting as Sam's maid of honor (Jenny was Carly's). In the end she thought the only person she truly considered a parental figure was Spencer. She hesitated before asking Carly about Spencer; she assumed Carly would want him to walk her down the aisle. Carly smiled and told her she would be fine with Spencer walking her down the aisle, she had someone else in mind she could ask.

Carly stood up and examined her dress in the mirror. She was wearing a satin dress that was off the shoulder and came down to her knees. It was light lavender, a shade that Sam loved to see her in. Sam was wearing the same style of dress, only hers was a soft shade of blue, a color Carly thought set against Sam's eyes perfectly.

There was another knock; Carly opened the door herself this time. "Is it time Principal Franklin?"

Principal Franklin shook his head slightly, "Carly, I am about to walk you down the aisle for your wedding. I think that on this day, of all days, you can call me Ted."

Carly laughed, "Alright, Ted, I promise." Carly took his hand and he led the way to their appointed places.

_Colonel Steven Shay, Born: 12/13/57 Died: 5/13/12_

_Sarah Puckett, Born: 11/25/67 Died: 1/6/13_

* * *

**15 Years after the death of Fredward Karl Benson**

"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH," Carly Puckett-Shay screamed. She had never felt so much pain in her life. "Sam, can't you do something? You're a doctor."

Sam remained calm, holding Carly's hand, "I'm a psychiatrist, cupcake. What do you want me to do, talk about how you're feeling now?"

Carly did not appreciate the levity Sam was attempting to interject into the process. "Right now I'm feeling that the next time we have a baby you're going to be the one giving birth."

Sam smiled, "It's a deal, and you're doing great. It will all be over soon."

Just then Carly's OB, Dr. Ivey walked in. "Ok, where are we? Looks like this will be over very soon." She sat down in front of Carly to guide things through the end of the labor and the immediate aftermath. "You're doing fine Carly, everything looks great."

Less than 10 minutes later Carly gave one more final push and then it was over. Their son was born and crying his little head off. Sam cut the umbilical cord, the nurses rushed the new arrival over to the heated cart and did the usual procedures (needed initial exam and shots), and Dr. Ivey delivered the afterbirth and stitched Carly back up where she needed.

When the nurses were finished they handed the new arrival to Sam. She gave the baby a kiss on the forehead, "Come on little one, let's go see Mommy."

Sam handed the baby over to Carly and stood beside her next to the bed. The new baby curled up on Carly's chest and for a few minutes Sam, Carly and the baby just relaxed in each other's company. Sam eventually broke the silence, "I think Spencer and Carol are still in the waiting room. Should I have Carol bring her camera up?" Carly shot her a look; she had just gone through labor and didn't really feel like having her picture taken, not even Carol could make her look good at that point she felt. Sam was reading her mind, "Don't worry; she knows what you're going through and that you probably don't want your picture taken now. Though I think you're way off base. You always look gorgeous and beautiful to me." She kissed Carly on the lips.

Carly returned the kiss. "Remember that when I'm old and gray."

Sam smiled, "You will always be young and beautiful to me, no matter what." She stroked Carly's hair; they both thought about how excited Spencer was going to be. He had been so happy when they told him about the pregnancy. Carol told them he was going to be the happiest uncle in the world.

Carol was Spencer's wife. They had first met the fall of Carly and Sam's senior year of high school. She was an artist like Spencer, only she specialized in photography. She had won numerous awards for her pictures, especially those of the nature and landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. Spencer was smitten the moment he saw her and her photographs. For her part, Carol was equally taken with Spencer. She loved his child-like exuberance of all forms of art and his love of life. She was very impressed with his talent and she was honored when he took to painting some of her pictures. They married one year after their first meeting.

Spencer had stopped sculpting for a time after Freddie died. Many of his sculptures were whimsical in nature and he just didn't feel like that at the time. He still needed the artistic outlet, however, and turned to painting. He felt more at ease letting his sadness and grief show through the canvas than any statue or three-dimensional piece of art. Eventually he began to gain more notoriety for his paintings than his sculptures. By the time his nephew was born, Spencer was considered, at the age of 43, one of the more important artists in the United States. He had told Carly and Sam that he couldn't wait to paint their family portrait, as well as create the most artistically creative nursery in the world.

Sam kissed Carly on the forehead, "Spencer's waited long enough. I think it's about time we introduced him to his nephew, Fredward Spencer Puckett-Shay."

* * *

**31 Years after the death of Fredward Karl Benson**

16 year old Freddie Spencer Puckett-Shay (he hated being called "Fredward") walked into the kitchen while his mother Carly was making dinner. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, what's on your mind?"

"I was reading this old interview with Uncle Spencer in Time Magazine for my family heritage report. Do I have another uncle that you and Spencer never mentioned?"

Carly had to think for a moment, and then she knew the reason for the question. Spencer had received considerable notoriety six years ago when the new President had named Spencer as one of his favorite artists and had his work displayed prominently at the White House. At the time Spencer was especially known for a series of paintings depicting his family at various stages of life. In each painting there seemed to be a ghost image, almost as if someone else should be there, but was not completed. An interviewer asked Spencer about this. Spencer had replied that the ghost image was of his brother who had died tragically too young.

Carly knew that Spencer was talking about Freddie, the boy she and Sam had named their son after. When she had first read the interview she had cried gently after reading that answer. She didn't cry this time. When she was done putting dinner in the oven she came over to where her son Freddie was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Son, Spencer was talking about someone named Fredward Karl Benson. He died when he was just about your age now. He was the first person I ever truly fell in love with and he was mine and your mother's best friend in the world."

At that point Sam came into the kitchen from the garage with Katrina, Their 12 year old daughter. "Mom," Katrina shrieked, "I made the team! I made the dance team!"

"Shhh, Katie, mom was about to tell me about Fredward Benson."

"You mean there is another person named Fredward in the world?"

Sam and Carly started laughing, remembering how Freddie Benson hated his full name. "Yes, Katie, there was another Fredward," Carly began, "and he hated being called Fredward as much as your brother." Anticipating both Freddie and Katie's next question Carly continued, "We named your brother Fredward as a way to honor him and his memory."

Carly thought about Mrs. Benson at that moment and wondered if she had named her Freddie after someone important. She suddenly wished she could have asked her, but seeing as she had passed on just two years previously, that was impossible. She and Sam had last seen Mrs. Benson at Spencer's funeral five years ago. Spencer and Carol had perished together in a plane crash in New York. Carly still missed him terribly but was comforted in the knowledge that his artwork was displayed in several prominent galleries and taught in several universities around the world.

Carly hadn't noticed that Sam had left the kitchen until she came back with her laptop and some very old yearbooks of hers and Carly's from Ridgeway.

Sam spoke up, "Gather around kids, and let's look at some photos while you learn about Freddie Benson and how cool your mother was in high school."

The Puckett-Shay family spent several hours that night, interrupted only by dinner, reliving the past or experiencing it for the first time. Young Freddie Puckett-Shay was especially interested in learning about his namesake. When the night was over he didn't feel quite so bad about having the odd name of "Fredward."

_Spencer Gerald Shay, Born: 11/11/81 Died: 8/20/36_

_Marissa Benson, Born: 7/9/71 Died: 10/15/39_

* * *

**62 Years after the death of Fredward Karl Benson**

Samantha Puckett-Shay lay on her deathbed, her beloved Carly at her side. Cancer had ravaged her body and though she lay weak, her mind was always sharp. She knew she didn't have much time left, in fact she didn't think she could last the night. Sam had spent her entire adult life studying the human mind and helping people deal with their problems and grief. She had learned how easy it was to fool oneself and she refused to do that at any point in her illness. She just wished she could do something to ease Carly's grief.

Carly sobbed quietly as she held Sam's right hand in both of her own. "I love you so much, I can't put it into words how much I love you."

Sam smiled up at Carly. "Cupcake, you are the most beautiful person in this entire world and I will love you for all eternity." Sam remembered the joke she and Carly always shared, "I'll even love you even when you're old and gray."

"I am old and gray, Sam." It had been a good 20 years since Carly's hair had contained any of its original dark color; she had refused to ever dye it.

"Not to me, cupcake. To me you are as young and beautiful as the day we first kissed."

"Please don't leave me Sam, I don't know what I'll do without you," Carly implored, though in truth she did want Sam's suffering to end. Sam had spent three years fighting bone cancer; the pain being unbearable at times. When they had first received the diagnosis they knew it would be bad, Sam was a doctor and didn't kid herself. Carly had suggested that maybe Sam could relieve her own suffering painlessly and permanently. She would understand if Sam wanted to do that.

Sam would hear none of it. She explained to Carly that to her suicide was the mortal enemy she had been fighting since the day she had found out Freddie had died when she was 16. No matter what, she firmly declared, she was not going to take her own life, now matter how much pain she had to suffer. After a lifetime of combating depression and mental health issues (especially among teens), taking her own life would be like letting suicide win. Carly knew better than to press Sam on this issue.

Three years later Sam's battle was coming to an end. The kids and grandkids had all come to say their goodbyes. Friends had paid their final respects. There was no other family; the only other relative Sam had kept in touch with over the years was her twin sister Melanie, but she had died just the previous year of a heart attack. Now it was just Carly and Sam.

The two life-long friends, lovers, mothers and grandmothers held hands and waited for death to make its appearance. Some time in the middle of the night Sam awoke suddenly, startling Carly who was still holding her hand. She heard Sam talking to someone, but not her. It sounded like Sam was still dreaming; Carly heard her saying, "Fancy meeting you here. Can I just take a moment?"

"Carly," Sam's voice was strong again. "It's time for me to go now. I love you so much and I'll see you soon I think. Be strong, cupcake and know that I will love you for all eternity." Sam closed her eyes then and stopped breathing, a peaceful look coming over her face.

_Samantha Joy Puckett, Born: 4/17/94 Died 9/26/72_

_Melanie Puckett, Born: 4/17/94 Died 8/3/71_

* * *

**65 Years after the death of Fredward Benson**

Carly Puckett-Shay lay in her bedroom staring out her window overlooking the woods behind her son Freddie's house. It was a peaceful day outside, the sun shining, the birds chirping. It was a very content scene and Carly thought it was a good day on which to die.

She had been slowly dying, she felt, since the day Sam passed on. Her doctors had said she was getting old and suffering from heart failure brought on by age. Freddie and Katie had been upset upon hearing the diagnosis, it seemed too vague for them. To Carly, though, it made perfect sense. She was dying of a broken heart.

Carly held a photograph to her chest and waited for death to come with her two children at her side. It was a very old picture and had been retouched many times. It was a picture of Sam taken by Carly; it was the day they had moved into their first apartment together. Sam was sitting on the floor, taking a break from unpacking boxes. She was looking up at Carly with a look of undeniable love, desire and pure yearning. People who saw the photo assumed that Carly was the object of Sam's desire. Only Carly knew that on the table behind her was a bucket of fried chicken she had just brought in. She had kept the picture at her side constantly the past three years. She looked at it any time she needed a smile.

Carly could feel the life draining from her body, as if she could feel her heart actually slowing down. She called Freddie and Katie over closer, "I think it's time. Before I go I just want to say that I love you both and that I'm proud of you both." Tears formed in the eyes of both children. Even though they were grown up and had children of their own (and Freddie even had a grandchild of his own) they were still scared. Carly had been there for them their entire lives. She had always been there with advice, sympathy, money and love whenever they had needed it. They had difficulty envisioning a world without both of their mothers.

Carly continued in a weak voice, the strength quickly leaving her body, "Life is so beautiful. I don't regret one day of my life. Please don't regret any of yours. Always remember that life is so beautiful." With that Carly Puckett-Shay closed her eyes for the very last time. She slept quietly for a time, her chest rising and lowering with shallow breaths, until she quietly passed on from this life. Her children, their children and their children's children even, would always take her last words to heart; life is so beautiful.

_Carlotta Taylor Puckett-Shay, Born: 7/24/94 Died: 8/23/75_

* * *

**Author's Note. I have decided to break up my epilogue into two parts. I think the impact of what happens to Carly next will be heightened if you have a little time to reflect before reading the second part. Don't worry, I won't make you wait long, just a day or two. And remember a little cliffhanger never hurt anyone. What will Carly find in the afterlife? More importantly, who will she meet there? **


	8. Epilogue, Part 2, Carly Comes Home

Carly woke up in bed; for a moment she thought she was in her room in Freddie's house, but once the fog in her mind cleared she saw that was not the case. The room reminded her of a typical hotel room; comfortable and functional without any personality. It did seem odd to her that there were no windows. She wondered what had happened; she was positive she had been dying. With some difficulty she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She was 81 years old and all movement seemed difficult to her. She was sitting on the edge of the bed considering whether or not to stand up when the door opened.

Carly looked towards the door expecting to see a doctor or nurse enter. She was completely unprepared for what she actually saw; Samantha Puckett, her Sam, walking towards her carrying a dozen red roses, her favorite. Carly couldn't believe it, Sam didn't look a day over 17, the same age as when they first fell in love.

Sam smiled broadly. "You're finally awake, here I brought you these." She handed Carly the roses; Carly took them without thinking, her mouth agape. "God I've missed you so much." Sam kissed Carly on the lips and hugged her as tightly as she could without hurting her.

"Sam, I don't understand. Am I dead? Is this heaven?"

"Not exactly, cupcake. This is something of a way station." She kissed Carly again.

"I guess you really would love me if I'm old and gray." Carly pointed out.

"Like I've always told you, you will always be young and beautiful to me."

"I don't feel young and beautiful, and I certainly don't look it," Carly said. She was trying to make a joke, but she was envious of Sam's youth and beauty at the moment.

"Sweetie, you can look and feel as young or old as you want. You just have to want it."

Carly thought about what Sam had just told her. She said, "I wish I was 17 again just like when we first fell in love."

"Ok, Carls, but you didn't have to actually say it out loud. Just thinking it would have done the trick. Now close your eyes."

Carly complied and Sam took her by the hands and led her over to the mirror on the opposite wall. Carly moved with grace and ease and without any aching joints for the first time in at least 15 years. She was reveling in the freedom of movement when Sam told her to open her eyes.

Carly looked at herself in the mirror and didn't recognize her reflection. She had grown used to having gray hair, wrinkles and a slight stoop as she had grown into old age. The person looking back at her had none of those. She was 17 years old again; she had her raven hair, vibrant brown eyes and flawless skin. She looked down at herself and couldn't believe she could be so young again.

Sam stood next to her and they both looked at their reflections together in the mirror. "See Carls, you'll always be young and beautiful to me." They both smiled and thought back to those first years of their love. When they were young and dreamed that anything was possible.

"So what do we do now?" Carly was genuinely curious.

"We have to get going home. There's a dinner in your honor tonight." With that Sam took Carly by the hand and led her towards the door. "Don't let go cupcake; I don't want you getting lost."

The two, now young again, women exited the room. Carly started to wonder where home was exactly when there was a brief flash and she found herself standing with Sam in front of Bushwell Plaza.

"This is home?" Carly asked almost hopefully.

"Yep, unless we decide to move somewhere else." Sam led Carly into the lobby where, thankfully, there was no Lewbert. After a brief ride in the elevator up to the 8th floor, the pair found themselves outside apartment 8-C. Sam knocked quickly and then opened the door without waiting for a reply. Spencer was in the kitchen prepping produce for that night's dinner. "Hey Spence, look who's finally here."

Spencer had known who Sam was bringing back, but he still couldn't contain his excitement at seeing his little sister for the first time in nearly 40 years. He bounded across the apartment in record time and drew Carly into a huge bear hug, spinning them around in circles. "I've missed you so much. It's so great seeing you again. You look so wonderful, I'm glad you settled on the same age as Sam."

Carly couldn't stop smiling. "You don't look so bad yourself. What did you settle on, late 20's?"

"I'm keeping at 31 for now, thank you. I decided early 30's was a bit more distinguished. Plus that's when I married Carol and I was happiest in my life."

"Where is Carol? I'd like to see her too."

"She's taking some photographs downtown for a series she's working on. She'll be back in a few hours in time for dinner. Come with me to the kitchen, I have to finish chopping these veggies."

Things sounded so reasonable for Carly that she forgot where she was exactly. Suddenly she had some pertinent questions. "Wait a second, Spencer. We're all dead. What have you and Carol been doing all this time?"

"We've basically been doing whatever we want. I've been painting, sculpting, whatever interests me and Carol has been taking her photographs, painting and even trying her hand at sculpting herself. You're going to find that things work differently here than in the previous life."

Carly looked at Sam, she nodded her head. "I've only been here three years, I'm not an expert. I'm not even sure where we are exactly. In fact I'm not even sure we're supposed to know all the answers."

Carly was really confused now. "Is there anybody we can ask for help? Is there some sort of orientation video we can watch?"

Spencer and Sam started chucking in tandem. Carly wondered what was so funny. Finally Spencer spoke up. He pointed towards the front door of the apartment where someone had silently slipped inside unnoticed, "That guy over there is a pretty decent guide."

Carly and Sam turned in tandem to where Spencer was pointing. Sam was not surprised at who was there, but Carly had a look on her face of shock, awe and pure joy. For the first time in 65 years Carly was looking upon Fredward Karl Benson.

Carly started approaching him slowly, not quite believing her eyes, even after talking with Sam and Spencer. Freddie looked nervous; he kept looking at the ground between catching glimpses of Carly. He stayed in place a few steps inside the front door. Carly tried to stay respectful and dignified and, well, adult but she couldn't help herself. She ran the remaining distance between her and Freddie and jumped into his arms, thankfully he saw her coming in time to catch her. "FREDDIE!" Carly screamed with all the joy and abandon of a child getting her favorite toy for Christmas. She threw her arms around Freddie's neck, holding him close and peppering him with kisses.

Sam and Spencer watched the scene from the kitchen, both smiling as powerfully as possible. Spencer had waited nearly 40 years for this moment since he had met back up with Freddie after his death. Sam also had been eagerly anticipating this as well, right from the moment Freddie had guided her here after she had died. She had also been similarly happy to see Freddie, though she tried to play it cool for old time's sake. "Fancy meeting you here," she had told him. Freddie had laughed and told her it would have been funnier instead to ask "do you come here often?"

Carly and Freddie pulled away from each other and gazed into each other's eyes. To Carly, Freddie looked as handsome as he had the last day she had seen him alive (which was technically true, Freddie always kept his age at 16). To Freddie, Carly looked just as beautiful and vibrant as she always did in his dreams. They kept gazing at each other, neither knowing what to say, just enjoying the ability to finally see, hold and touch each other.

Finally, Freddie broke the silence. "I don't know where to begin Carly. I should probably start with sorry." Freddie started to cry slightly, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "I was sick and wasn't thinking straight. I never wanted to hurt you. Believe me; I never wanted to cause you any pain." Another tear followed the first.

Carly took Freddie's head in both of her hands and gently kissed his tears till they stopped. "Freddie, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You were sick; I should be apologizing to you right now."

Freddie cut her off quickly. "No Carly, you don't. Tell you what; let's make a deal right now, ok? No more apologizing for the past, we are all together now and that doesn't matter. We have a long time to make it up to each other."

Carly smiled, "Deal. Just how long do we have anyway?"

It was Freddie's turn to smile, "We have a really, really long time." He flashed his patented smirk, "an eternity."

Sam sensed it was a good time to intrude. She came over and took one of Carly's hands. "Come on upstairs. Freddie and I have something to show you." She led them up the stairs to the third floor.

* * *

The three best friends were lounging on beanbag chairs in the iCarly studio. It was as if they were back in 2009, worrying about homework (well Freddie and Carly anyway) and what to do on the next iCarly show, with nothing more important in the world.

"I can't believe how real this is. It's just like the studio," Carly was impressed.

"Carls, it is real. And thank you, Freddie and I worked really hard on this. It was also nice of Spencer to give up the space. We wanted it to be perfect for when you arrived."

"So you knew when I was coming?" Carly still wasn't sure how anything worked in this new world.

"He did," Sam gestured to Freddie.

"I work as a guide when I want to work. Part of that job is leading new arrivals to where they need to go and explaining some of the basics."

"Eventually anyway," Sam said kind of mockingly.

Carly looked confused. Freddie cleared it up for her, "I was the one who met Sam when she died. I explained some things to her and took her home. I may have forgotten to tell her she didn't have to stay a 75 year old woman." Freddie couldn't contain a satisfied smirk.

"He's lucky you can't actually die again. I had to shuffle around our apartment and this loft for 3 days before he let me in on the secret. He even got Spencer and Carol to play along."

Carly and Freddie began laughing. Freddie replied, "Hey I had to get you back for years of teasing and pranks. At least it only lasted 3 days. It took me 48 years to think of that."

Sam started laughing. She stuck her tongue out at Freddie, "Nyeeah."

Freddie returned the gesture, "Nyeeah."

Back in her previous life Carly would have tried to step between her two friends. Now there was no need, the three of them couldn't stop laughing together. Finally, once her laughter subsided, Carly did have an important question. "Where do we live anyway?"

Sam replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you."

Freddie cut in, "Some guide you are Sam."

Sam continued after sticking her tongue out at Freddie again, "We live across the hall with Freddie. I've been with him since I died."

Carly thought for a second. "You don't mind do you Freddie? What about your mother?"

"Mom lives across town with Roger, her second husband. I live in the apartment because I like being close to Spencer and I have many fond memories there. No matter if that's where I took my life."

"Me and Sam are married, is that a problem?" The thought just occurred to Carly.

"Cupcake, technically we aren't married anymore. Til' death do us part, remember?"

Freddie chimed in, "Carly, you're going to find that some things work differently here. When it comes to sexuality and relationships there are not as many rules and proscriptions. People are a lot more open and comfortable with that sort of thing. Believe me, I learned the hard way."

Sam and Carly both looked at him with the same questioning look. Freddie started to tell the story. "Do you remember back to a few weeks after I died and you two came to my grave to forgive me?" Both girls nodded, the memories flooding back after so many years.

"Were you actually watching us?" Sam asked.

"Yep, I was actually standing about 10 feet away from you. I wanted to tell you so bad how sorry I was and how I forgave you for all the teasing. Unfortunately, while you can observe the other world, you can never communicate with it or directly influence it. All I could do was stand there and watch. It was very hard to take. I am lucky Carly's mother was there for me those first weeks."

"My mother's here?" Carly was excited.

Freddie answered her, "Uh-huh. She lives with your father down in California. They have a nice place right on the ocean. They love to go sailing. By the way, they are going to be here in a couple days. They wanted to give you a little time to get acclimated. You have no idea how proud both of your parents are of you. I was lucky to have her, she was the one who met me when I died; I didn't have anyone else. My father wasn't interested."

Sam cut in, "What does this have to do with what we were talking about?"

Freddie got back to his story, "Well, I wasn't alone when I was watching the two of you. Carly's mother was with me, she thought strongly that I should be there. Things were going well when Sam warned me not to peek in on her when she was changing clothes. By the way, I never did, and you're welcome. Anyway, all the sudden Carly decides to say that she wouldn't mind me seeing her naked." Carly started to blush; she realized where this was going. "That is something you never expect a girl to tell you when you're standing right next to her mother. I turned so red I thought I was going to die again of embarrassment right there." Freddie looked right at Carly who was a similar shade of red just then. "Your mother laughed her ass off so hard she couldn't stop for hours. She still jokes about it with me to this day. That's when I started to figure out that people here have vastly different attitudes towards sex."

Sam started laughing about as hard as Carly's mother on that day. Eventually Freddie and then Carly joined her. When they were finished, Carly looked closely at Freddie and asked, "So, did you ever take a peek?"

Freddie blushed slightly and looked towards the floor, "Well, I might be dead but I'm still a guy. After a suitable amount of time I may have taken a peek every now and then."

Carly was feeling a little bolder. "Did you like what you saw?"

"I was suitably impressed."

"Hey, that's my wife buddy!" Sam broke in with mock indignation; she couldn't maintain the guise and quickly started laughing again. She stood up and pulled both Freddie and Carly to their respective feet. She gave Freddie a deep kiss on his lips and then did the same for Carly. "We're going to be together a long time and we'll have plenty of time to sort these things out." Sam then drew the three of them into a shared a three-way embrace.

Eventually Sam broke the embrace, "Do you know what I'd like to do now? How about an iCarly rehearsal." Carly looked a little skeptical, but Sam continued, "Come on Carls, it'll be fun. Me and Freddie have been working on ideas for three years now."

Sam was giving Carly her most desperate, pleading look. Carly could never say no to that face and gave in to her wishes. Freddie took his place behind the camera. "What should we do first?" Carly inquired.

"How about we start with some random dancing?" Sam replied. "Freddie, on you mark."

It had been a long time, but Freddie still remembered the words, "In 5, 4, 3, 2…."

* * *

Sam and Carly were in Carly's bedroom in their apartment across from the loft. Dinner had been wonderful; it was great seeing Carol again. Everybody caught up on old times, reminisced and shared many laughs. It turned out that even after nearly four decades living there, Carol still didn't understand how everything worked. She was just happy to be young and with Spencer for all eternity. The thought gave Carly some comfort; she was a little bit overwhelmed about all that.

"What are we doing? I thought we were going to meet Freddie up on the roof for a toast?" Carly asked of Sam.

"You're going to meet him for a toast. I'm going away for a few days."

"What do you mean? I don't understand, are you mad at me?"

"Never cupcake. I just think you and Freddie need a few days to yourselves. I'm going to see Melanie and maybe look up a few colleagues. People might not actually get sick here, but people still have emotional baggage and psychiatrists are pretty much the only doctors ever needed."

Carly shook her head, "A 17 year old psychiatrist?"

Sam grinned slightly, "You're going to have to get used to the idea that someone's age has no bearing on their experience or station in life. Not in this place. People are used to it; in fact most people tend to be quite young as opposed to middle-aged or old. Just wait till you see your parents. They're 22 years old."

Carly shook her head again; it would take a while to get used to some things for sure. Sam broke her out of her thoughts. "Here Carls, why don't you wear this?" Sam was holding the dress Carly had bought in Olympia on that class trip all those years ago.

"Where did you find that?" Carly was amazed.

"This is a special place. Don't worry where it came from, all you need to know is that it looks fabulous on you. Come on, put it on and I'll help you with your makeup."

Sam stood in front of Carly admiring her work. They had finished getting Carly's hair and makeup just right, and picked out the perfect pair of heels for her to wear. "You look so hot right now, cupcake, I'm a little jealous of Freddie."

"I don't have to do this Sam; it actually feels kind of weird. You and I were married for 52 years. I feel a little bit like I'm cheating."

"You are not cheating. Like we were saying before, things work differently here. You are far from the first person to have loved more than one person in her life."

"Are you really sure?"

"Carls, I am absolutely sure. I love you more than anything in existence, and I will love you for all eternity, quite literally." Sam chuckled at that. "I also love Freddie just as much. You love him as well and you have some unfinished business to take care of with him. I want you to do this; I want you and Freddie to love each other as much as you and I love each other. The three of us are going to be together forever, sweetie. What's a few days compared to an eternity?"

Sam gave Carly a quick kiss on the lips, being careful not to smudge her makeup. She produced a small box seemingly out of nowhere and handed it to Carly. "Make sure you don't forget to give this to him."

Carly opened the box. Inside was the chain she had bought for Freddie on that class trip the weekend he had died. She read the inscription, "Freddie, I love you so much, Carly." Carly started to ask Sam where she got this when she stopped herself. She just had to get used to the fact that this really was a magical place.

* * *

The night sky was clear and thousands and thousands of stars were visible. Carly walked out onto the roof of Bushwell Plaza. Even though she was actually 81 years old she felt as nervous as the 17 year old she actually looked like. She saw Freddie standing on the other side of the rooftop and smiled. He had changed into a dark suit, minus the tie, and that particular outfit flattered him. For a second Carly truly was the 16 year old girl who was ready to confess her complete and total love on that night back in October of 2010.

She made her way over to him with slightly weak knees. When she reached him he handed her a glass of champagne. She noticed there were only two glasses.

"Did Sam get off to Melanie's ok?" Freddie noticed her eyeing the number of glasses.

"Yes, she did. So you knew about this?"

"Sam told me to be up here with champagne and two glasses. She also told me to wear something nice and not be a nub about all this." They both chuckled. "She also told me she was going to see Melanie for a couple days and that we had some unfinished business."

"So this is her plan?"

"It is Carly, though I can't say that I am going to complain. You look more beautiful right now than anything found up there in the heavens."

Carly blushed like she was a teenager all over again. "We had a talk before she left. I told her it would take a little getting used to."

"Don't worry, you'll get used to things. I've helped a lot of people transition to this place. I'll help you too. And as for Sam's talk, well, we've been talking about that for three years now."

The two friends sipped their champagne and stared up at the heavens together, pondering the cosmos. Finally Carly broke the silence. "Do you believe in second chances?"

Freddie didn't hesitate, "Yes, without a doubt. Especially here in this place."

Carly smiled. "This was actually my plan." She looked deep into Freddie's eyes, "When I got home from that trip on the weekend you died, I was going to confess to you that I truly loved you. I was going to tell you that I didn't love you for the time you pushed me out of the way of that taco truck, but rather that I loved you for the hundreds of other times you were there for me."

Freddie didn't move, he kept his eyes locked on Carly's. She continued, "This is my second chance, our second chance, and Sam wants to make sure we take it. Freddie Benson, I love you so much. I wanted to spend my life with you, but fate intervened. Now I want to spend eternity with you. If you'll have me."

Freddie wasn't quite sure what to say, "Carly, I love you so much. I'll have you any way you'll let me." He was about to take Carly into an embrace when she stopped him unexpectedly.

"I have a gift for you first. I was going to give this to you that weekend when I got home, but I never got the chance." She took the chain out of the box and showed it to Freddie. She then fastened it around his neck and then gave him the deepest, most passionate kiss she possibly could. Her tongue sought entrance into Freddie's mouth and he granted it. Time lost all meaning as they let 65 years of unrequited passion take over.

Eventually Carly pulled away just slightly from Freddie. With a straight face she asked, "Freddie, is my mother anywhere near here?"

Freddie didn't understand the question, but decided to humor her. He looked around the roof. "Nope, just us."

"Good." Carly leaned in closer to Freddie's left ear, "I want you to see me naked right now." With that she took him by the hand and led him back inside. They had to make up for a lifetime of lost time, but at least they now had an eternity.

* * *

**Author's note. I want to say thanks to everyone who has been reading this story. I hope the happy ending makes up somewhat for the sadness you had to endure to get to this point. This is the first time I have written a fanfic; I would appreciate any criticism/reviews anybody would have to offer. Until my next story, thanks again. **


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